I just fully realized that in a way, I sort of don't want to find a job. It's been inching up on me, and I have mixed feelings about finding employment. It's...complicated. Warning: I am about to delve into the depths of my personal issues, so if that isn't your thing, feel free to skip this part, I won't feel offended because I'll probably never know anyway. SO--you've been warned. Here goes:
First, the reasons I want to find employment: It has gotten to the point in my unemployment, where I no longer get up in the mornings (11am is sometimes a stretch) because I don't have anywhere to be or anything that needs to be done at a certain time. Being on this sort of schedule makes me feel lazy, and since my sleep really isn't on a schedule--it also saps my energy that I have while awake.
I also am really quite a bitchy person when I don't have an agenda. I am the kind of person who can relax and take things slow, but not for an extended period of time. I like being busy and having to schedule things tightly and having busy-stress, as that is the kind of stress I am used to dealing with--therefore, making it less stressful than boredom stress.
Amazingly, up to this point I haven't even mentioned the lesser monthly income. That is because unemployment pays relatively well, considering I don't go anywhere or do anything that requires spending excessive amounts of it.
It all comes down to the fact that I have been socialized to feel like I need to work and "put in my time" like every one else, to be a working part of society, not a weak link that sucks away federal and state moneys. So, overall, I feel kind of guilty for not having a job.
Second, why I DON'T want to find employment: I HAVE TIME THAT I'VE NEVER HAD BEFORE. I have found things called "hobbies" again.
I can spend all of a rainy day in bed reading a book. I can spend an afternoon in a coffee shop writing. I can go for a mid-morning run and not feel hurried. I can go to the grocery store in the middle of a work day and only wait 2 minutes in line. I can plan my meals and cook them without starving and munching in the process. I can do all these things and more: I am sorting through boxes of old stuff that was still in my parents' garage (and there is still more) and getting rid of it or reorganizing it and also reaquainting myself with my previous belongings. I want to have a rummage sale once I collect everything I can find from my parents' house. And the only reason I'm actually getting anything done is because I HAVE THE TIME to.
Modifiers: I call these issues "modifiers" because they modify my mood more or less independently of the aforementioned.
I admit to being a little particular about what jobs I apply for. I have certain salary requirements that I have figured out through budgeting and complicated mathematical equations (thanks to college) that must be met. I strongly prefer daytime work and full-time hours are a must. I am going to take one class during the day 3 times a week to work on completing my degree--and I'm not willing to give it up. I will work full-time hours, but maybe modified as to times because of my school work. I want it to be within 10 miles of my residence, so I consume less gas and/or can take the buses. So these are things I need, and that are compromisable, but only in dire circumstances. Which leads me to ask: how exactly would I describe my circumstances now? I don't think they're dire, but in another month I think they would be. I haven't even gotten an interview yet, how can I justify turning down an offer if I ever get one just because it doesn't fit my schedule? Is it wrong of me to look for a job that also meets MY requirements? The one thing I'm stubborn on is getting my degree. I will not put it off again, not for a CONUS employer. I never know when I'll be deployed again, and I am going to have that degree if I have to fight tooth and nail for it. I am willing to work and go the extra mile in order to be able to both support myself through full-time work and to finish my degree at the same time.
There is another thing that works me up (that's a warning, for those of you who have kept reading, that I am about to really rant): It makes me upset to know that I have been searching for a job in a field that has numerous and constant openings for which I am qualified for and still have not found one. This makes me feel bitter, because (as I've told so many people before) I believe it is because I am a member of the reserve armed forces. I believe that employers see that on my resume and the first thing they think is "Iraq" and then "year-long deployments of reserve/national guard soldiers" and "long-term conflict" and then end up throwing my resume in the pile of "not interested"s. It is illegal for employers not to hire me because of my service. It is not because it is illegal that it makes me so upset--I am upset because I have spent the best part of the past 2 years overseas or away from my friends and family on birthdays and all the major holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years) and I come home to my wonderful support network of close friends and family only to find that I can't find a job because of the fucking war in Iraq. Where is my support now? All these bumper stickers saying "Support Our Troops", yet no one wants to hire a soldier because of the risk they take that their employee may get deployed. Yes, it is logical, but I cannot understand how an employer cannot support the people who give all they have to keep that employer's homeland terror free and fight for the oil that somewhere down the line fuels their business!
I am glad for those who truly support the troops, but I think many people say it, but don't act on it. Soldiers are some of the hardest working and dedicated employees any business could ask for. So why are we left standing out in the rain with only our uniforms to keep us warm?
Conclusion: Besides my lack of wanting to give up free time, I think that my frustration and bitterness have also made me want to just give up on the job search. But I keep putting in applications and resumes, putting a good hour or two into customizing each resume and writing a researched and well-written coverletter. I will keep looking...and I guess I don't really have too much to worry about considering I haven't even gotten one interview yet. *sighs*
Well, that about wraps it up for today. Sorry for the bitter/negative post. I just needed to work some stuff out and my journal is missing at the moment (I know the journal gnomes are sitting somewhere reading all my deepest darkest fears and secrets and snickering to themselves). And I figure--hell, no one reads this drivel anyway--or at least not while my readers are on vacation.
Ciao!