i'm a believer. well, that's not necessarily true.
So I have had an interesting couple of days. I am struggling through massive self-induced guilt trips. I have been talking about finding a new job as of late. And I am, but now I've sort of, kind of been offered one. I'm feeling guilty. As if I have flushed "company loyalty" down the toilet. I mean...I was unemployed for what seemed like forever and then I got the job that I have now. It pays good money. The work isn't that grueling. They are about to hire me full-time. I feel like they took me in off the streets and gave me a bath and dressed me in warm clothes and gave me a good meal, only I'm sitting there thinking about if the next house down would have better soup and crackers. I feel like a complete traitor.
What makes it worse is that every day at least one person I work with tells me how glad they are to have hired me to work there, because I guess they have problems finding good workers and keeping them there. A knot of guilt twists tight in my stomach as I smile and agree that I like it there. And I guess I do--kind of. Not really. Ok, let me put it this way. If I didn't have a degree to finish, and myself to support by working full-time, and it weren't a 50 mile daily/roundtrip commute--I would probably stay until they kicked me out or I got a job in my actual career field. (Which I hope to be publishing.) The job that I might take is not any closer to my career field than this one, but it is closer to my home and pays the same, has steady/normal work hours and offers better benefits. So why do I feel so guilty? In all honesty, my employers did screw me over by promising something before hiring me and then taking back their words....so really?
I feel bad. Really. Yesterday I felt like an absolute, low-down and dirty asshole for even
thinking about the new job on the horizon. But I realize (as Nailz told me) that as soon as I get a new job and end my current one, I am going to feel 20 times better in my daily life. I hope she is right, because if I quit and then want to go back. I think I'm s.o.l.
Can't believe I just wrote so much about work. How pathetic. Where has my life gone? Oh yeah, that's right. I'm reading a good book--so the rest of it has gone there. That's better than a lot of other places it could have gone.
Having just declared my pitiful state, I must sink lower and declare how tired I am. I am going to bed. And I promise not to blog until I find something other than boring work to write about. *crosses heart and hopes to ... um ... get sick*
Cheers, all!
Oh, special note to
Miss Katharine. I dig your blog and thanks for the link! Here's to reciprocity!
Addendum 1:(added 11:45pm)
It has been brought to my attention (once again), that it sounds like Nailz and I are lesbians. This is simply not true. She is my sexless lover. Not quite the same. *frowns and shakes head* And if you didn't know that was a joke, well...to put it in plain language so that there are no doubts: Nailz and I are neither lovers, nor lesbians. We joke around a lot because we are both single, live together and have been friends for a good 15 or so years. In more plain language: I joke with her because I can. Without too many serious repercussions.