i'm more of a make-believer
Today, I realized something that has really shaken me. I feel as if my insides are confused, dry and brittle yet melting down--and the only thing holding them together is my skin. The laughing exterior that shows the world that there is nothing special within. But that laughing exterior has broken. I realized that I am 25 (I know that is not old). And I look 14 (ok, on a good day: 17), but inside, I feel bitterness hidden behind even an inner facade. So today I don't feel 25, I feel like a terrified little girl who somehow got transported into the life of someone she never dreamed she'd be. She is asking, "What do I do now?" "How did I get here?" "Who am I? Really?" "Where do I want to go, and why exactly do I want to go there?" And the only answer she knows...feels is that this is definitely not where she wants to be when she is 25.
I feel as if I am being a bit over the top, and I am tempted to hide under humor, but I'm not going to let myself this time. I need to stop pushing these things away and start really evaluating them. I don't want to end up a bitter, old woman at the age of 40. I don't want to have never taken my chances when I had them just because I wanted to feel safe and never really looked at who I was and what I could have been and wanted to be. I want to be me. Fully me. And I know that I am (for the most part) a very honest person to other people. But I am not honest with myself. I push thoughts away because I am scared of being disappointed with not only myself, but also with my life. I feel like I am slowly being diluted and then dissolved by life. As if by the time I reach 30, I will no longer exist. One small part of my personality is diluted one day and then the next dissolved altogether. Am I making sense here? I you don't understand, try listening to Pearl Jam's "nothing man" off of the Vitalogy album. The tone is very similar to how I feel these days. And I don't even know why I'm putting this all on the internet for everyone to see, because it really has nothing to do with anyone but me. I guess I am so used to baring my "soul" here, and even though I know complete strangers read this, I feel comfortable...sort of. Not really anymore, but it is habit. A habit I intend to break. Which brings me to my real point...
I am taking a break. From this blog, from acting like an adult when I really don't feel like one, from not facing what I have been afraid to, from what I used to consider "my life". Because it's going to change. Starting now.