i change by not changing at allI've been having a lot of existential thoughts lately. These thoughts are not only centered around life in general, but more towards the department of romance. There is a widely believed notion that there is someone out there for every person. I don't think that's true. I think life is just a random series of moments--indeed all of life (and all it's elements) are arbitrary. So life can be what you make it. It's all in your attitude towards the events that occur in your life. Make something happen. Take control (or as much of it as you can). Or completely let go of it all. Then see what happens. The reason that all of this thinking and reasoning has occurred is because I have been feeling more and more lonely lately, in the romantic sense.
"Where is my next love?" "Why isn't anyone interested in me?" "Am I that unpleasant?" "Am I that strange?" For instance, this weekend I met a guy--well I didn't really meet him, actually, I saw him on and off in various crowded settings over the course of the week. He's absolutely beautiful, and I was instantly infatuated with him. Next, I found out he was married. *sigh* But it was strange. Our eyes kept meeting from across the room. I would find him looking at me, or he would find me looking at him. It was strange because I had this sense of where he was in the room or gathering at all times. He was beautiful--but nothing came of it. You know why? (Well, besides that fact that he's married, that is.) Because I was too chicken to go over and start up a conversation. Him being married had nothing to do with my actions. I was too shy to say hi because he was beautiful and I honestly thought, "what would a guy like him want with a girl like me?" I called myself all kinds of brutal names in my head for even thinking there would've been a possibility of anything, EVEN if he had not been married. But the
reality of the matter is this: I will never know because I never did anything.
At this point, all kinds of "should have"s and "could have been"s are running through my mind, but I'll spare you all. I've rambled enough for one day, and I want to get on with life with the new stance that life is what you make it--so quit yer bitchin'.
This is Clare signing off.--