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Monday, March 06, 2006

from the outside looking in, you see there's nothing sacred here

Do any of you ever get the strong urge to run away? I am getting them more frequently recently. That being said, there is nothing really terrible about my life. I have everything I need and a few things I want. My job doesn't blow and I have hobbies that I enjoy and that keep me from ever getting bored. But sometimes I just want to leave everything behind (people included) - start over completely. Barring that, I then get the urge to throw a lot of my possessions out into the trash, thinking that it will help (and sometimes it temporarily does) - but I end up keeping stuff because I think that "someday" I will regret throwing out something of sentimental value - the things that tell me who I used to be. I don't really have a good memory - especially of my actions or thoughts before college. Even now, I read some of my college journals and writings and I think, "Who is this person?" "Is that really who I was? How embarassing..." It's like I want to disconnect myself from my past, so I don't have to feel embarassed about it. I want to get rid of the solid evidence of my previous existence. Reading anything I wrote from high school or before is especially humiliating. I know one thing for sure, I will one day burn everything that would tell someone who I was. Because I just want people to remember who I am - not all the embarassing, human things leading up to it.

This may be based out of an entirely selfish mind. I have come to realize lately that I am terribly self-centered. It's all about me. But then I ask, "Well, who else should it be about?" I don't have a significant other to concentrate some energy on and I'm not really close to my family. I have a cat. But he doesn't really require me to sacrifice much (except maybe the occassional drop of blood and sleep). There's all these lines drawn. I feel caged in by them. I like being alone. It is probably because I like having control over my environment, and the only way to do that is to be alone.

But then I feel this crazy social urge to purge even thoughts. It is strange. This is all ramble. I am tired and will probably delete this sometime in the near future. Heh.
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