sometimes when i'm falling, flying or tumbling in turmoil i say oh so this is what she meansLong time, no blog. Life is keeping my busy, but in that really weird slow-motion way. I feel like each day lasts forever, but then a week is gone before I can really notice. I will be leaving in a little over a month and it is making my life now seem like it is near its end. It's strange because I'll say things like, "when I'm gone...." as if I'm never coming back. As the date approaches, more and more things keep showing up that I will be gone for: my sister's wedding, my favorite bands playing in the city, summer events that I usually don't even attend, but now wish I could. I notice that I've become a lot more attached to things at home than I was the first time I was gone. I guess it is how the saying goes: the grass is always greener...of course, in this case it will literally be true.
Thoughts of my upcoming departure consume my mind almost. I always feel like there is something I am missing or overlooking and that if I think about it long enough I'll remember. Since I am a natural worrier, I also am a natural planner and have tried to plan ahead for nearly everything.
I should try to think of it this way: most people have no clue when something big will change the course of their life. At least I've known for a few months and I've had time to get my things in order (though I haven't gotten them all done yet...) and make sure all of my belongings and my cat are well taken care of. I think the scariest part of all is that my life is not so complicated and I am not so intricately intertwined with most of my personal life that it is exceptionally difficult to physically be gone. I have no spouse (not even a boyfriend, heck - not even a recent ex-boyfriend to sigh over), I have no children, I have no house. Maybe it is too easy to leave and that is what bothers me most. I have always sought to remain free; with no emotional or physical ties to keep me from leaving when I want. Now the thought that I still have very few ties after what feels like so many years makes me wonder if the ties that I have kept off are the very ties that would make my life a bit richer and maybe just a bit harder to just up and leave. Maybe what I am describing is what could be called 'home'.
Labels: wangst