meet me in the lost and foundI'm on spring break from teaching, but still have to be in the office. This means a lot of time spent finding stuff to make myself look busy. I saw that I had a lot of drafts in my gmail account, so I decided to get rid of some of them. Turns out, I had some unpublished blog posts just sitting there.
Finding these posts is a bit like traveling through time. Both posts have to do with my anxiety over the (then) impending lay offs. The first unpublished post is from
February 28th, 2009:
1017 hrs:
Still thinking a lot about my job situation. Today I am conflicted. While it is true that I may have a "job" with the JET Program waiting for me, until I know for sure, I wouldn't feel comfortable being unemployed. Also, even though I find out in April if I made it in, the position doesn't start until August, so I'd be going quite a long time unemployed... At the same time, however, I keep thinking about how stinky it would be if I were not the one to get laid off and then so many months later quit because of the JET Program. I keep asking myself, wouldn't it be better for everyone (except possibly me) if you turned out to be the office's sacrifice? Because while I don't want to lose my job, I also really, really don't want to see someone else lose theirs either.
I wonder if today will be the day a lay off will be announced? Boss Lady did say that some lay offs in our section of the company would be effective today. I wonder if you get any warning, or if it just happens one day and you don't show up to work the next day? How are you supposed to get things handed off properly if that were to be the case? Also, wouldn't that be a little too harsh when you could give someone a day or so of notice so that they could finish up stuff? The second unpublished post was from
March 7th, 2009:
0827 hrs:
Have decided to indulge myself in a work blog a couple of times this week. My thinking is this: if I still have a job after next week, I'll completely straighten up and not dilly dally with blogging.
There are two people at work right now that are super sick. To make it worse, it's the respiratory stuff, so they're coughing and blowing their nose all the time. Grreeeaaat....*drips sarcasm* I'm glad that they love us all so much that they want to share their diseases. One of them is so sick that she (finally) went to Urgent Care this weekend and she has a double ear infection, sinus infection, upper respiratory infection and had to be put on 3 different prescription meds. Yay. I'm glad that I've been exposed to that, because it sounds like such a joy to contract and suffer through. Hey, maybe if I'm lucky, I could run through all of my sick days before the end of the week. Wouldn't that be great?
If I were the boss, I would have sent them home as soon as one cough or loud nose-blowing occurred. Coming to work sick is one my biggest pet peeves of all time. (Could you tell?) What is the use of bringing your sickness in to work? No, I don't think you're being a good, dedicated worker when you do that - I think you're being inconsiderate and stupid as not only will you get your coworkers sick and reduce production, but your illness will drag on longer because of not letting your body properly recover. I wish they would get their heads out of the 4sses...
In other news, I had a brief moment of panic this morning when I thought that I had left my travel coffee mug at home instead of bringing it with me. Luckily, I was worried for no reason.
0936 hrs:
Only an hour later and I have lost most of the motivation that I had to do any work. I really dislike being surrounded by sick people. It makes me want to take the day off just to get away from the germs that are trapped in here. Guh...
1129 hrs:
So I finally got a bit motivated around 10:30 or so. The day was going to take too long otherwise, so ...
Today for lunch I have home-made sushi rolls. The ingredients are simple because I'm not one to put raw fish in my sushi - I don't know how to tell if fish is fresh, etc. I'll leave the raw stuff to the experts when I buy it. My ingredients are cucumber, avacado and imitation crab. Yum...I'm getting hungrier by the moment just thinking about it.
Link spam of the day! Penny Arcade
no answers for no questions asked
3/4/09 1141 hrs:
Just now while I was in a meeting with a very big vendor, I realized just how expendable I really am at this job. When boss lady (in front of everyone) hands a big, ongoing project to someone else, but has not handed me anything to work on (in front of everyone or even just in front of myself) for months I think it's a big sign. A big, neon sign with an arrow and everything. It is hard on one's mind to think about how at one time I was instrumental in helping to pull this organization out of the mire of its electronic disposal woes. At one time I was important. At one time I was needed. At one time...
Maybe it is time for me to step forward, more sure in my sense of purpose, toward a new career. Maybe this time it'll be something that I actually find personally satisfying beyond just a paycheck.
you've got to be stronger than the stories
0911 hrs:
Boss Lady keeps sending out meeting invites. Every time I see a meeting invite in my inbox with an ambiguous subject line, my stomach sinks and I go all cold. I just wish we could know so that I could move on. Today I started clearing work off of my desk. There's a bunch of stuff that I've worked on here and there, but if I'm laid off I want to make sure it gets passed to the right people. Though I'm going to be pissed if I'm laid off, at the same time I don't want everything I've worked on to go to waste - you know?
1037 hrs:
I feel strange clearing small things off and out of my desk when I don't know for sure if I'm going to be laid off. I think some people think that I'm being really fatalistic, but taken from even from a completely logical viewpoint, I am the best person to lay off in this office. Like I've said before, it's not because I don't have stuff to do, it's just that none of it really belongs to me. No one has to be my back up or trained in on my job if I'm laid off. The same cannot be said for anyone else in this office. I'm so screwed.
convince me that the truth is always grey
0829 hrs:
Found out yesterday that the drop-dead date for the lay offs is Tuesday and that they won't be happening at the end of the day, but rather in the middle of the day. The ax hovers a little higher, ready for the big blow.
Most people have cleaned out their desks in preparation because no one knows who will be laid off or even how many. My cubicle is pretty bare now. It is oddly comforting to not feel so at home in my cubicle. I wonder if psychologists/sociologists have done any research on the emotional process of being laid off? Now would be the time to conduct it.
1119 hrs:
Another group therapy lunch is already planned for today. This is the last time we will all be able to eat together as a group before the lay off. It is strange how these events really fracture the work environment. No matter who gets layed off, this group will limp for a time while duties are shifted and work loads become heavier.
I've really been mentally preparing myself for this. I have become so mentally prepared for the blow that if it doesn't actually happen to me I think it would be a big surprise to me rather than a relief and I might even be a little bit ticked off - because I've justified my own lay off.But thankfully, as we know, I was not laid off from my job. See
this post.
I guess that's all for today's time-machine post.
In other, totally non-related news, I am concussed. I got a slight concussion from falling (hard, twice) while snowboarding last weekend. It is strange to have memory blips and times where I am literally unable to keep my eyes open because I feel completely over-stimulated. Symptoms should lessen by the weekend though, so yay there!
Labels: blather, daily grind, memoir, slowest day ever, spring cleaning, time-machine post