i'll go braving anything
Random Ramble:
Warning: "boy babble" ahead
I've been going into the lab in the mornings this week to catch up on some repairs that I want to finish before the semester starts next week. Monday and Tuesday it was only me and a couple of other people. No sign of N. I was relieved and it was really nice.
Before the break, I had asked N. out on a date of sorts, but nothing specific and he gave me what I took to be a pretty positive response. We text messaged a few times over the month-long break. Every time it was me who initiated the contact and sometimes he didn't respond (though a response wasn't strictly necessary). So I started getting this bad feeling - you know the one...The one where you (think you) can just tell he's just not that into you. But I didn't want to overreact to it and give up prematurely, so I tried to meet up him a couple of times and neither time ended up working out because of logistics or scheduling conflicts. Then I really gave up. And I felt okay with that. I went about my business, not talking about him, not thinking about him if I could help it. I even started emailing a couple of guys online and with one of them we exchange emails every day. Things were looking up and best of all, steady.
And then N. came to the lab today.
Time sure crawled from the moment he came in. I tried to greet him casually, but my hands were suddenly shaking as I worked. And things just got worse from there. After about an hour of pretending to just be going about my work, we started to chat. It was stilted and I could feel myself ruining any chance at normalcy and friendship there may have been. And it upsets me. I'm not crying or anything, but I'm upset. Mainly because I'm confused (and always, there is that I am mad at myself for not being able to control my feelings enough to be a normal person).
Here I am on online dating sites, exchanging emails with other men and even getting excited to receive the emails, but when I see N. there are all these feelings that come up and they won't go away. What am I supposed to do with these leftover feelings? They're not good feelings - they're the kind that make you think that directly confronting the guy is the best option (logical brain says, 'oh hell no!') because sometimes getting your heart stomped into the ground is the best way to pick yourself up and start anew elsewhere. I thought I should send him a text and say "I don't know how to think of you, please tell me.", then I thought that I should just actually plan a date and ask him on it (and if he said no then I would know for sure how things stood, except that what if he had another scheduling conflict and it was back to being ambiguous?), then I thought I should just let it go. But it's hard. And I don't know if I can do it without severing all ties. I don't think I can be just his friend - because when he smiles or makes a joke I....I can't help but like him as more. And I just want to know for sure - without any doubt that I don't have a chance. I like definition, I crave it and always seek to define things. Defined things are comforting. If there is even the faintest glimmer of hope with N., I will hold onto it and torture myself endlessly. It's best if there is no glimmer - no nothing. What I need is a definite 'NO'.
Anyway. I didn't know where to put this and I needed it out, so I put it here (where it can be deleted easily). If you read it all I think you're a champ. XD
Labels: Random Ramble