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Saturday, May 03, 2014

hope is a four-letter word*

April 22, 2014 (火)
Q: You wish you could stop _______ from happening.
A: N's move to a different city. <---i div="" it="" know="" s="" selfish...="">

April 23, 2014 (水)
Q: How would your parents describe you? (You can call and ask them.)
A: Well, all I had to do was walk into the living room! Hard-working and practical is the answer. Pretty close to what I thought they would say. Ha.

April 24, 2014 (木)
Q: Is life fair? Yes? No? Sometimes? Not today?
A: Nope. And if I were a silver-lining person (right now), I would say that if life were completely fair life would be boring and effortless. It's the journey/struggle and all that...

April 25, 2014 (金)
Q: Who do you need to call?
A: I had to call my parents to let them know I was staying at K. and J.'s place after going to the bar. *knows she is 34-years old*

April 26, 2014 (土)
Q: How much spare change do you have?
A: Coins: 66 cents. I feel like the term "spare change" doesn't apply to the unemployed.

April 27, 2014 (日)
Q: What "type" of person are you?
A: A-type for sure.

April 28, 2014 (月)
Q: Who would you trade places with for just one day?
A: Right now? Hmm. Maybe Scarlett Johansson.

April 29, 2014 (火)
Q: Who can you make happier? How?
A: Who? Well, maybe I should start with myself. By not being my harshest critic. I'm relentless, really.

April 30, 2014 (水)
Q: What are three words to describe your social life?
A: about to empty

May 1, 2014 (木)
Q: Messy or neat?
A: Neat. Or that's what I'm aiming for. Definitely not messy, though.

May 2, 2014 (金)
Q: Are you hesitating?
A: Yes - a lot actually and it's quite stressful. Damn my lack of self-confidence.

May 3, 2014 (土)
Q: If you could have a superpower just for today, what would it be?
A: The power to change people's hearts; my own would be first on the list.

*Not a mistake. I'm not quoting One Republic's "Counting Stars".

Random Ramble:
Re: this post's first Q&A, I've changed my mind. Even though it goes against what my heart would say, I am now becoming more and more relieved that N is moving away. It gives me/us a chance to really define whatever relationship it is that we have and to end it if that is what's best. 

I'd recently read one of those memes on facebook about being happier, blah blah blah and one of the things it says is to stop thinking about what you don't want to happen and start thinking about what you DO want to happen. An interesting thought that goes along with the saying that it is the wolf/beast that you feed that becomes stronger, self-fulfilling prophecies, etc. 

That thought really stuck with me and so while my natural instinct is to dread the inevitable doom (in regards to whatever is worrying me that week/day/moment) awaiting me, I've started to think about my preferred outcome. I've been thinking especially about the outcome I want with N and for a while I felt like maybe it was working (we've been getting along famously), but hope really is a (sneaky, back-stabbing) four-letter word and damn it all.

This weekend I had a taste of something with N and I don't think I liked it. It left me feeling bitter towards him for reasons that are hard to explain. So maybe him moving away is a good thing and maybe, instead of focusing on a positive outcome that includes him in my life, maybe what I really should be doing is focusing on a positive outcome that does not.


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