all the broken hearts in the world still beat*
Random Ramble:
This morning I wished on the morning star. I've made a habit of it lately when I can see it. For years, I used to take a certain kind of strange pride in not feeling the need to wish on a star, but have given into the temptation lately because there has been something, or rather someone, that I've wanted for some many months. And so my wishes were for that person to feel the same way about me as I did them. It was a selfish wish, I know.
This morning was a different wish. I hadn't seen the morning star for a couple of weeks and I had realized that wishing for someone to reciprocate feelings was probably too much to ask. Instead, this morning I wished for peoples' hearts to be at peace, because I could really use that, too. My heart has been restless and indecisive and aching lately. I really did want that peace this morning. Well, in one way or another I see that the wish is going to come true for me.
Today I found out that the guy I've become so very fond of is moving away. It's for the best for his career and it's an opportunity he can't not take. So he is not coming back to class next fall and I will probably, in all likelihood, never see him again after mid-May. To say I was shell-shocked would be an understatement. I feel like my heart fell out at the news.
I know I should be happy for him, and logically, I am, but it is hard for me to rejoice in the complete loss of his company. Back when I had made my feelings known to him, we had eventually agreed on being friends and as a reminder to myself, I had put his name in my phone as simply "Friend". But now I realize the painful irony in that - in my mind and heart he was never simply a friend, he was the person I had unconsciously been counting on to be there at class every day and the person I had already thought to ask to go to a hundred future events even if he never returned my feelings. But soon he will be nothing and I will be the same to him. How is that not one of the hardest things to accept? How wretched that my heart will be at peace because he won't be around to trouble it.
Labels: boy stuff, Random Ramble