Labels: boy stuff, Random Ramble, Today's Question

trust me when i say you're better off alone

Labels: boy stuff, Random Ramble

all the broken hearts in the world still beat*

Labels: boy stuff, Random Ramble

the heart wants what it wants - or else it does not care*

Labels: boy stuff, Random Ramble, Today's Question

you know it happens every time

I am in the midst of a storm of self-doubt. As per usual, whenever I get a crush on someone, at first I find it really fun and entertaining. But as soon as I start thinking that maybe something could actually happen between me and the other person, I start shaming myself into a corner for being so presumptuous as to think someone would find me attractive and worth their time. Here in Japan, I also pile on the "he wouldn't want to date a foreigner" and (because I am 31 now and the clock is going TICK TOCK) "he wouldn't want to bring shame upon his family and marry a foreigner". The end result is that I completely shrink away from any guy who I get a crush on with some really low self-esteem from bashing myself over the head with self-insult.

I once dated a guy back in the cities who I dared admit this kind of thinking to. He told me it was really fucked up that I set myself up for failure every time. I agreed. But I still do it. Why? Because the last time I let myself believe that someone could love me and want me, I got hurt. Always being prepared for failure has kept me from getting hurt. For 8 years. But it has also stopped me from developing any kind of meaningful relationship with a man.

I've developed a crush on a man I see about once a week. I know his last name. And I know he has no children. He has an older brother that just got married. I don't even know if he has a girlfriend, but...I kind of don't want to find out because if he doesn't have a girlfriend, I'll end up shaming myself into a corner every time I feel a little bit of hope, until I feel like the most unworthy person on earth. Right now, I can just tell myself that he probably has a girlfriend and so therefore I don't have to think about it. That's really the safest option - to assume he has a girlfriend, so me having a crush on him has no where to go.

But he is so beautiful to look at...

Labels: boy stuff, emo, in tribute to nanowrimo, life, love life, woe is me

think less but see it grow

Another Monday, another work week begun. It is about an hour before the end of my work day and it is a bright, beautiful day. I can’t say that I have done much in terms of productivity here. I didn’t get up from my desk once from the time I came into the office to the time the lunch whistle blew and I have only gotten up once since returning from lunch. Surely, this kind of sedentary behavior is no good for one’s body or mind.

Today, I get new summer tires for my car. While the total was quoted at much less than I had originally expected, it is still going to cost a pretty penny. The good thing is my car gets much better gas mileage with summer tires. Also worth mentioning is that unless something happens to ruin the tires, I will not have to worry about buying tires for another 2 years (if I still even own that car). Also bought summer windshield wipers the other day, so my car is going to be ready for summer fun! I even vacuumed it out this weekend. It is looking all mostly new and stuff. (As new as a 1998 car can look!)

In news of the strange, it seems as though my neighbor has a girlfriend. I had kind of hoped to be that girlfriend and did make a few moves on him, so when I was outside hanging up laundry and pulling weeds this weekend, it came as a surprise to me to hear a woman’s laughter coming from his window and then to notice 2 empty wine bottles outside his front door. I can only assume that the woman spent the night. I felt a tiny twinge of envy, but mostly I am amused and glad that I could not hear any of the previous night’s “activities”.

For myself, I re-vamped my profile for a dating/networking/friending site geared towards Japan. I did an area specific search to see if there were any registered users that matched what I was looking for in this part of Hokkaido – there are a few. Only one that had a picture and it was him in ski gear, so you can’t really see his face. Also, he is a member of the Self Defense Forces in Japan (personally, I find that kind of hot). He lives about a 5 hour drive away. He was the closest one. *le sigh*

Next up in the search is to ask the friends that I have in the city if they know of any single Japanese guys looking to date a foreigner. Oh yes, I am on the prowl. I’m not desperate, but it occurred to me recently that only interacting with other foreigners (and women at that!) probably isn’t the best way to get a date. In the U.S. it may be possible to find a guy like that, but here it is a bit different…More effort is required, me thinks…

Anywho, I had a good weekend. Got lots done. I realized that I need to create shade in my front lawn somehow. I don’t think planting a tree is very realistic (or wise, for the space I have is small and I wonder if I would need some kind of permit to do it on city land), so I have decided to build an arbor. I think it might end up being kind of expensive. I am hesitating to embark on that kind of adventure because of the a) time and labor involved and b) the cost. It occurs to me that I could put the plants needing shade on the other side of the house, but the last time I did that an animal or child dug through my pot. (My guess is it was a kid as the alleyway gives them perfect shelter to dig around without being seen…) I wonder if there is a cheaper way to get shade without so much cost and labor? I guess I could look around the hardware/gardening center and see if anything presents itself. Oh – and also kind of scared that an arbor would end up being the perfect shelter for the huge outdoor spiders that hang out under the eaves of my house…

Other than that, not much is happening. I should get back to my kana and kanji workbook, so that’s it for now. : )

Labels: boy stuff, gardening, life in japan

still the wanting comes in waves*

1519 hrs:
I have been very conflicted at work. While I am happy to busy (very!) again, I am uncomfortable some of the time when ever-the-hottie Mr. M is here. I am super!distracted and I feel extremely self-conscious (but in a very bad way). I try to avoid him as much as possible while still hoping to get a glance of him. Why am I so stupid about it?

Any suggestions from my readership on what to do in order to be able to act normal again around him? OR, if we're really daring, we could think of ways that I can not only act normal, but ways to act in that would induce ardor on his part?

I have lots of think-y thoughts about cute boys, crushes, etc that I wish I could delve into. I think I will have to sit down and put them all down at some point. Maybe that would help me out...

*The Decemberists - The Wanting Comes in Waves

Labels: boy stuff, sad, work

just dive into this emptiness and hold your breath on the way down*

0837 hrs:
More and more lately, I find that I do not enjoy the company of my cow-orkers. There was a brief period of a few months where I actually liked to have lunch in the lunchroom with them and chat. I think those days may be over. They've been too sarcastic and negative for my tastes these last couple of weeks. I can easily spend my lunch break at my desk surfing the 'net or reading a book. My reaction is, in part, immature. Lately when I say something to the cow-orkers, I'm either met with sarcasm or with complete silence, yet whenever anyone else comments to the office in general, a whole conversation follows. Fine by me - I'll just plug in and shut up from now on. I have no problems tuning all of them out, but it still irks me...

1107 hrs:
Feeling a bit cheerier now. I've had my coffee and I got to see (and talk to - eek!) my office crush, Mr. M just now. *swoons* He's just too much sometimes. I wonder if other women think he is as hot as I do?

I've been listening to NEWS and Deserts Chan all morning and it has also helped to put me in a better mood. Despite my best efforts (and coffee's best efforts), I am still just not a morning person and think I will always be a bit cranky and touchy in the morning.

1340 hrs:
Ah, so. *weary sigh* I am so ready for this day to be over. I just want to go home, veg for a bit, go lap swimming and then crash out for the night. If I could, I would just lay my head down on my desk and nap right here and now.

I've been getting a lot done today because of my ability to tune out my cow-orkers and all of their talky-talky-ness (which, of course, would cease if I tried to join in the conversation) and focus on the crap that's been sitting on my desk that I either haven't had the time to deal with lately or found ways to avoid. Came across a list of issues, but in the top, left-hand corner I had written (in pencil) "public flatulence" and "nose pickers". I laughed out loud when I read those. Not so long ago, I had a topic idea for a blog entry, but apparently never got around to it. Of course, the brilliance of the moment has passed and I can't remember how exactly I was going to thoughtfully ponder the issue of public flatulence or contemplate the question, "What ever happened to the nose-pickers we knew in middle and high school? The people who were ridiculed relentlessly for picking their nose in class - where are they now? And...do they still pick their nose in public? Inquiring minds want to know!"

Sorry, got off on a tangent there.

ANYwho - Ate lunch at my desk and manned the phones while the cow-orkers all went out to a long lunch at a restaurant. Isn't it nice that they invited me along? *dripping with sarcasm* I wouldn't've gone anyway, but as one of them always says, "It's still nice to be invited to the party even if you're not going." *le sigh* All that means, of course, that I had a nice quiet lunch and got to read a little bit more about developing film at home. I got a new camera in the mail last night that I won on eBay. She's a beauty! I'm not sure what I'm going to name her yet, but she sure is somethin'! If I remember, tonight I'll post pictures of the new addition to my camera family along with some specs. XD

1551 hrs:
I all of a sudden got very happy because it really hit me that tomorrow is Friday! Yay! *does happy dance* It'll be awesome - I can tell....

Guess that is about it for today. Best to post this and get ready to leave for the day.

*HIM - The Fortress of Tears from their Love Metal album (*loves on album*)

Labels: boy stuff, cow-orkers, photography, work, work bitch

make way for the lemon parade*

0825 hrs:
My stomach hates me. I'm convinced that it endeavors to never let me drink coffee again. *sad sigh*

1032 hrs:
Have triumphed over my stomach. I am just now finishing the last of a FULL thermos of coffee. Huzzah!

In other news, I've been meaning to write about the techniques I have been employing to try to reverse my crush on Mr. M. One such technique is to imagine that he has habits or preferences that are an absolute turn-off to me in a man. I've been imagining that he is such a sports fanatic that he would rather spend time with his "bros" watching the game than with his girlfriend (if he has/were to have one). Huge turn-off. Also, imagining him to think Adam Sandler movies are the best ever made. Also big turn-off and one up with which I would not put. *putting on airs* The only dangerous made-up characteristic I have to stay away from is imagining that he only likes tall, thin blondes who dress nice all the time. This idea could give me a complex (as I am so much the opposite of all those), so I'm trying to imagine that he may not think me the ugliest woman on Earth, but that I am also not necessarily his type - I'll never know because my crush on him will cease to exist soon.

Anywho - glad today is Friday. Actually, that may be the biggest understatement of the month. I am so glad it is Friday that it feels suspiciously like a huge relief. The thought of sleeping in tomorrow and spending most of this weekend just bumming around the apato sounds wonderful!! I think my cat will like it too, as he has been especially needy and cuddly lately.

1305 hrs:
I would like to talk very seriously for a moment about Mr. M. I find it difficult to put in to words why exactly he appeals to me so much. (Despite my best efforts, I find that my interest in him grows daily...) While he is definitely attractive (all the ladies in the office agree - even the lesbians!), I think I have subconsciously made him into the representative of what I feel that I will never have - all those traits in a man that will always be just out of reach for me. The kind of man other women get to have, but not me. And I know this and feel it very deeply and it feels a lot like emptiness.

It's no secret that I attract what I term "weirdos". Now that I think about it, it is probably because I, myself, could be termed a "weirdo"; someone who doesn't really fit anywhere. But what I want is someone who is closer to the middle "normal" than I am.

Well, I guess that is that, eh?

1552 hrs:
Almost time to leave. I feel like singing 'hallelujah!' and surprisingly, now I feel like having a drink to celebrate the end of the week. An hour or two ago, I learned that the cow-orker whose work I am covering while on medical leave is not coming back until mid-February. I was so hoping she would be back this coming week. Dreading next week as it already looks to be h3ll. *braces for the worst* So if I don't blog much next week, you'll know why. :\

Also, cow-orkers and boss-lady played a joke on me today. They told me that my paycheck hadn't come in the mail like usual and so they were looking into what might've happened to it. I was pretty calm about it because I thought maybe it had accidentally been sent to a different location and that I would get it on Monday and if not then, I could always ask for a reprint of it. The cow-orkers were disappointed that I didn't freak out on them about it. The joke ended around 3;15pm when boss-lady gave me my paycheck. I said, "Huh." and they were even more surprised that I wasn't at all upset with them. I feel like saying, "Well, why overreact to something that would (without a doubt) be fixed sooner or later?"

Guess that is it for today. Hope all have a wonderful weekend. Me - I'm going to drink some spiked hot-cocoa and stay in all weekend. Yay!

Playlist:
misc. Japanese Pop
Album: Tonic - Lemon Parade*

ETA: Added a link to my artsy-fartsy photobucket site in the links section. It's kind of like a choose your own adventure because you have to choose which category of pictures you want to see in order to get to the album. All albums are listed on the left side of the page.

Labels: boy stuff, cow-orkers, playlists, stomach problems, weekend plans, work

still now you're waiting to grow, inside you're old

0825 hrs:
Lazy day....the boss is out of the office today and there is not really that much for me to do yet. This afternoon will be busy, but the morning stretches out before me calm and motionless. In order to take a moment to entertain myself, I have read a webcomic that I usually read during my lunch break, but yesterday it wasn't yet updated. In the news post, they linked to this.

I am serious when I say that if I am ever dating a guy and I walk into his place of residence and he has anything close to that displayed, I will turn around, walk out and never look back. It's not that I'm against nerds or geeks (to the contrary, I feel a strong kinship with them), it's that all of that collector crap costs a lot of money and over time, the amount of money invested in such collectibles would be bound to be a subject of contention in the future. Also, when a guy is that much into gaming or fantasy worlds, etc. he deserves a girl who will indulge him. I am not that girl.

1040 hrs:
Sometimes it is really hard for me to not worry about things. All morning I've been worrying about the crockpot at home. Specifically, I am worried that the cat will do something to it. More specifically, that he will be curious about it and knock it off of the counter. Even more specifically, that after he has knocked it off the counter, the dog or cat will choke on chicken bones. *frets*

I'm so worried about it that I rescheduled my chiropractic appointment that I was supposed to go to directly after work. Sad, I know...

In other news, it is time for announcing this week's Grocery Titan:
1/2 gallon Oberweiss Farm Fresh milk at $3.60 (the good stuff in the glass bottles - yummy!!)

Not bad. It was a relatively small and inexpensive grocery trip this week. I bought a lot of fresh veggies that I now have to find a way to use before they go bad. Eek!

1319 hrs:
Almost forgot to mention that this morning's sunrise was unreal. It was so beautiful and different from most ordinary sunrises. It made me wonder if a person could tell the difference between a sunset and a sunrise if just shown a picture of each. What makes it obvious it is a sunrise of sunset?

Labels: boy stuff, fret, grocery titans, link blogging, work