Down the Rabbit Hole with the Semi-Evil Squirrel

A friend said to me last night: "Your teens are for fun, your 20s for love and your 30s for money."

It's strange she should bring that up because lately I've been wondering if I missed the love boat. I realize that, in general, people are socialized to believe that your 20s are when you fall in love and (if you so choose) get married. Some cultures are becoming more accepting and even encouraging marrying later. But it didn't ever occur to me that if you choose to not seek out a partner, that your heart might still look for love.

Last year, I had studied archery under the tutelage of a woman in her 50s who has never married. Not long after we started practicing together, a man also in his 50s started to show up occasionally and practice with us. I didn't think anything of it at the time. Then, my teacher was transferred far away for work. For a while, the man kept coming to practice, but after a bit of time, he stopped coming altogether. I asked another man who is frequently at the practice area and he said that the other man had stopped practicing shortly after my teacher left. He said this with a meaningful look in his eye.

Something about the whole thing made me feel a bit melancholy. It made me realize that no matter how old you get, your heart doesn't stop trying to love. I don't think it will ever be able to shut down and not feel a longing for someone else when you meet them. And it will still happen that your heart may choose someone whose heart doesn't match yours.

I had honestly, kind of hoped (fatalistically) that if I didn't find someone by a certain age, that my heart would just go about the normal business of beating and not seek out other people. But at the same time, it kind of gave me hope. Maybe some day my heart will settle on a person whose heart will settle on me, too.

Labels: blather, complete ramble, love life

you know it happens every time

I am in the midst of a storm of self-doubt. As per usual, whenever I get a crush on someone, at first I find it really fun and entertaining. But as soon as I start thinking that maybe something could actually happen between me and the other person, I start shaming myself into a corner for being so presumptuous as to think someone would find me attractive and worth their time. Here in Japan, I also pile on the "he wouldn't want to date a foreigner" and (because I am 31 now and the clock is going TICK TOCK) "he wouldn't want to bring shame upon his family and marry a foreigner". The end result is that I completely shrink away from any guy who I get a crush on with some really low self-esteem from bashing myself over the head with self-insult.

I once dated a guy back in the cities who I dared admit this kind of thinking to. He told me it was really fucked up that I set myself up for failure every time. I agreed. But I still do it. Why? Because the last time I let myself believe that someone could love me and want me, I got hurt. Always being prepared for failure has kept me from getting hurt. For 8 years. But it has also stopped me from developing any kind of meaningful relationship with a man.

I've developed a crush on a man I see about once a week. I know his last name. And I know he has no children. He has an older brother that just got married. I don't even know if he has a girlfriend, but...I kind of don't want to find out because if he doesn't have a girlfriend, I'll end up shaming myself into a corner every time I feel a little bit of hope, until I feel like the most unworthy person on earth. Right now, I can just tell myself that he probably has a girlfriend and so therefore I don't have to think about it. That's really the safest option - to assume he has a girlfriend, so me having a crush on him has no where to go.

But he is so beautiful to look at...

Labels: boy stuff, emo, in tribute to nanowrimo, life, love life, woe is me

'cause love's gonna get you down

0839 hrs:
This morning we have an all-staff meeting. It is our normal monthly meeting, so nothing big. Problem is, our boss isn't here yet and the meeting is scheduled to start in 6 minutes. Obviously, the meeting will be delayed until she gets here, but it is kind of worrisome.

A co-worker and I are in charge of this meeting's icebreaker. It should be a fun one, but it all depends on how willing people are to participate in it.

OH! And here she is! The boss arriving 2 minutes before the meeting looking harried! Best get going, eh?

it came to mind that i didn't care

1148 hrs:
Meeting went well once it started. The icebreaker went well too. Quick, but not too boring, which is good.

Just realized today that I haven't heard from Jo-L since the Halloween party on the 1st. I think this is an exceptionally good sign. I feel like he never existed. It is nice to put a cap on all of that. Also, have decided that I'm not infatuated with Mr. T anymore either. I think I will still visit him here and there, but it will probably be a lot less frequent in the future. This is a result of my last visit to his shop where we briefly discussed politics. While we voted for the same candidate in the election, we disagree on some very fundamental ideas. While I don't dismiss people in general on a political basis, I do not date people who are also politically minded and not of relatively the same mind as I am because politics are very important to me and I can't live my life with someone who would strongly disagree with me on a lot of ideas. So yes - a friend he has become in my mind and nothing more. What a relief! On top of all that, I have also given up my crush on J.M. It is apparent that he does not have any inclination toward me and what is the fun of lusting after someone who is so obviously NOT interested what-so-ever in you?

SO - except for the few idol crushes I have, my love life (and potential for a love life) are once again at a flat line. I find myself very pleased at this advent. Not having anything going on in that arena is the norm for me, so back to nothing is the most comfortable and I am happiest this way. Now I can concentrate on other things that are certainly more fulfilling. :)

PLAYLIST:
Matchbox 20 - Mad Season

Labels: love life, playlists, work