Down the Rabbit Hole with the Semi-Evil Squirrel

you know it happens every time

I am in the midst of a storm of self-doubt. As per usual, whenever I get a crush on someone, at first I find it really fun and entertaining. But as soon as I start thinking that maybe something could actually happen between me and the other person, I start shaming myself into a corner for being so presumptuous as to think someone would find me attractive and worth their time. Here in Japan, I also pile on the "he wouldn't want to date a foreigner" and (because I am 31 now and the clock is going TICK TOCK) "he wouldn't want to bring shame upon his family and marry a foreigner". The end result is that I completely shrink away from any guy who I get a crush on with some really low self-esteem from bashing myself over the head with self-insult.

I once dated a guy back in the cities who I dared admit this kind of thinking to. He told me it was really fucked up that I set myself up for failure every time. I agreed. But I still do it. Why? Because the last time I let myself believe that someone could love me and want me, I got hurt. Always being prepared for failure has kept me from getting hurt. For 8 years. But it has also stopped me from developing any kind of meaningful relationship with a man.

I've developed a crush on a man I see about once a week. I know his last name. And I know he has no children. He has an older brother that just got married. I don't even know if he has a girlfriend, but...I kind of don't want to find out because if he doesn't have a girlfriend, I'll end up shaming myself into a corner every time I feel a little bit of hope, until I feel like the most unworthy person on earth. Right now, I can just tell myself that he probably has a girlfriend and so therefore I don't have to think about it. That's really the safest option - to assume he has a girlfriend, so me having a crush on him has no where to go.

But he is so beautiful to look at...

Labels: boy stuff, emo, in tribute to nanowrimo, life, love life, woe is me

losing

A thought (that comes after writing a letter to one of my grandmas): I have given nice things to my grandma every time I have traveled abroad. When I went to Kuwait, I sent her a knitted lap blanket made from camel wool. When I visited Japan for the first time, I sent her a warm, quilted happi (house) coat.

Recently, my grandma was moved into a "living center". She had been thinning out her possessions for some time; giving things back to people who had given them to her or giving things to people who had always said they liked something. When she was moved, it came to the point where a rummage sale was held to sell the things she wouldn't be keeping with her at the living center. What didn't sell was taken to Civic Council/Goodwill.

The reason she was moved into a living center is because she had fallen and hit her head at home. Because of the fall, she had some blood in her skull - in between the skull and brain. She had emergency surgery to drain the blood and ease pressure on her brain. As a result, she suffered memory loss and had to be on a few medicines for a while until it looked like everything was back to normal.

In September, a few weeks after my birthday, I received a birthday card from my grandma. On the envelope, my aunt (who has helped care for my grandma because she lives closest) had written that grandma had forgotten to send this to me until now. Inside the card was nothing besides her signature. No letter. No note. Not even my name.

I have written her letters about once every two months since my move to Japan. For the first six months, I received coherent letters from her. A month before the fall up until now - there has been no letter. No reply. I begin to wonder if she remembers who I am. Maybe receiving my letters is like receiving letters from a stranger.

So the thought is this: it upsets me to think that the gifts I found in far away lands and gave to my grandma were sold off at a rummage sale to total strangers for a fraction of what they are actually worth, but not because of their monetary worth, but because, like those gifts, she is no longer present. It feels like the bond we once had has been severed. It begins to feel like she is gone before she is really gone.

Labels: deep thoughts, emo, in tribute to nanowrimo, letters, life, random, sad

From yesterday at work:

he's not the first one come and gone

All of my friends and family know (or should know by now) that winter is my favorite season. Though there are many reasons behind me favoring winter, one reason has really come into the spotlight this year.

I love the trees in winter, their branches stripped bare and exposed to the sky. Only in the winter do we get to see the core structure of trees. Some are craggy, others smooth. Some have branches that grow up, instead of out like others. Some have clumps of minuscule branches where leaves normally are, some branch out, graceful yet sudden, until your eye reaches the tip of the branch. A living being that can grow to be so old - and yet every winter stands cold and naked for anyone who cares to see.

The bare branches of winter give me a feeling of cold loneliness, of being stripped to the core with nothing that can be hidden. And that feeling is reassuring to me, because it is simple.

0910 hrs:
Skipped lap swim last night. I still have the headache that started so many days ago. It seems like a sinus headache, but nothing I take for it seems to keep it at bay for long. I think what I really need to do is to have a day where all I do is sleep and laze around.

1005 hrs:
Was catching up on Penny Arcade while waiting for the programs I work in to move slowly, so slowly toward completion of the days work. When I fangirl it looks a lot like this.

I laughed so hard at this. I just...*wipes tear from eye while still laughing* ...it's too accurate a picture of me. *contented sigh* It feels so good to laugh some days...

1557 hrs:
Today ended up being a really good day. I wonder if it being Friday had anything to do with it? Or maybe ... *raises eyebrows and

ETA: Didn't get to finish that thought because a cow-orker needed to follow me through some side streets to get to a less congested part of a busy street, so broke off there.

Today I am feeling a bit better. Went to bed slightly after 11pm last night, but ended up in the bathroom for a good hour in the middle of the night. That is 2 times in 2 weeks that my stomach has revolted. Usually all I do afterward is go to sleep. I called in sick to drill this morning because I just knew trying to get up and go would have probably just make me more sick. It took me until 3pm today to even get out of bed. My stomach doesn't seem to be upset anymore, but I'm still feeling all icky. Maybe going to bed super early again tonight will help...

Labels: emo, link blogging, sick, work