Tuesday, July 28, 2015
stop whispering, start shouting
This is not a random ramble, this is a calculated rant that has been composing itself in my head for years. Consider yourself warned.
First, a little background for those who don't know me. I'm a 35-year old woman with a Bachelor's degree who has had a varied and interesting life that includes (among other adventures) almost a decade in the armed forces, working as a cubicle monkey for a big corporation and living in Japan for more than just a couple of years. Now I do a job that is not considered academic by any means, but is skilled labor and unusual (there are only a couple thousand of us in the U.S.). And even though when I was young, I didn't imagine any of this, I also didn't imagine that I would still be single.
When I was younger, I had a friend who guys found irresistible. I always wanted to know her secret. One time, a guy let me in on it - she was interesting; like there was a lot more to her than she let you see.
So I endeavored to let myself be as interesting as I wanted to be and figured love would follow accordingly. It took a while, but I eventually (early 20s) decided that I would live life for me and do whatever it was that caught my attention and not pay attention to relationships in the least. After all, doesn't everyone tell you that love comes in when you aren't looking for it?
Well, I haven't been looking for it for over 10 years now and it hasn't found me. What I have found, is that I enjoy myself as I am. I think I'm interesting and I think I am a good person who enjoys engaging with others and hearing their stories. And recently, I would love to share a life with a companion. But still, no luck on the relationships front.
And honestly, I'm really sick of it. Mostly, I'm sick at the realization that there doesn't seem to a man out there that is not intimidated as fuck by me. Everything goes okay until they learn what I've been doing the last 15 years or so and then it's sayonara sucker. As if I share those things like an Ace hidden in the hole; a trump card to put them down under me. This is the impression I get because no man has had the balls to say much after they ask me what I did before this. Listen, men, I'm sorry if I have lived an independent, relationship-free life and enjoyed it, but if you don't have the balls or spine enough to not feel intimidated by that then I don't feel bad calling you a baby.
In fact, I only tell people about my past when asked or if it is very relevant. I don't go around starting every sentence with "When I lived in Japan..." or anything. Most people I work with or have met me in the last year don't even know what I did before my current occupation. Mainly, I don't share it because people get weird - as if my sharing is designed to make them feel small for not having done the same things as I have. THAT IS NOT THE FUCKING POINT. The point is that the only way to get to know people is through sharing. I'm not talking about sitting down and spilling your life story, though that could happen under the right circumstances (a few drinks and a late night usually are involved), I'm talking in the natural way of conversation over time. But I shouldn't have to omit 15 years of my life experiences just because whoever I am talking with hasn't ever left their hometown. Hey, I don't care if you've never figuratively left your mother's womb. Tell me about it, it's gotta be interesting because I don't remember my mother's womb.
So why is it that I can't find a man secure enough in himself that the thought of a well-traveled, well-rounded and educated woman doesn't intimidate him? Where are all the real men who don't shrink away from intelligence, who in fact, seek it out? Who don't shrink away from the idea that I was happy with my life before they came along and that I wasn't just pining away to nothing while waiting for them, my knight in shining armor?
And I know I'm not the only one of my kind to experience this. Most of my wonderful, funny, warm, intelligent women friends are single with not a man in sight. True, some of us have chosen not to put any time or effort into searching, but I truly wonder if it's not because every time we have tried, the men we meet shrink away. We're not crazy, or ugly, or socially awkward women. We're just...women. I wonder when men will start realizing that you don't need to need someone; that wanting to be with someone is so much greater than needing to be with them, because it's a choice.
I feel like this is full of bile; a bitterness that is certainly unattractive, but I assure you that as any polite and socially-conscious person knows, I don't usually vent it - certainly not to anyone not close to me. But I'm sick of it. I know I can't be the only one out there who is fed up. And I'm tired of trying to shield parts of myself just to try to make myself more pleasing, passive and plain just to appeal to a man. Ugh.
0 CoMmEnTs
This is not a random ramble, this is a calculated rant that has been composing itself in my head for years. Consider yourself warned.
First, a little background for those who don't know me. I'm a 35-year old woman with a Bachelor's degree who has had a varied and interesting life that includes (among other adventures) almost a decade in the armed forces, working as a cubicle monkey for a big corporation and living in Japan for more than just a couple of years. Now I do a job that is not considered academic by any means, but is skilled labor and unusual (there are only a couple thousand of us in the U.S.). And even though when I was young, I didn't imagine any of this, I also didn't imagine that I would still be single.
When I was younger, I had a friend who guys found irresistible. I always wanted to know her secret. One time, a guy let me in on it - she was interesting; like there was a lot more to her than she let you see.
So I endeavored to let myself be as interesting as I wanted to be and figured love would follow accordingly. It took a while, but I eventually (early 20s) decided that I would live life for me and do whatever it was that caught my attention and not pay attention to relationships in the least. After all, doesn't everyone tell you that love comes in when you aren't looking for it?
Well, I haven't been looking for it for over 10 years now and it hasn't found me. What I have found, is that I enjoy myself as I am. I think I'm interesting and I think I am a good person who enjoys engaging with others and hearing their stories. And recently, I would love to share a life with a companion. But still, no luck on the relationships front.
And honestly, I'm really sick of it. Mostly, I'm sick at the realization that there doesn't seem to a man out there that is not intimidated as fuck by me. Everything goes okay until they learn what I've been doing the last 15 years or so and then it's sayonara sucker. As if I share those things like an Ace hidden in the hole; a trump card to put them down under me. This is the impression I get because no man has had the balls to say much after they ask me what I did before this. Listen, men, I'm sorry if I have lived an independent, relationship-free life and enjoyed it, but if you don't have the balls or spine enough to not feel intimidated by that then I don't feel bad calling you a baby.
In fact, I only tell people about my past when asked or if it is very relevant. I don't go around starting every sentence with "When I lived in Japan..." or anything. Most people I work with or have met me in the last year don't even know what I did before my current occupation. Mainly, I don't share it because people get weird - as if my sharing is designed to make them feel small for not having done the same things as I have. THAT IS NOT THE FUCKING POINT. The point is that the only way to get to know people is through sharing. I'm not talking about sitting down and spilling your life story, though that could happen under the right circumstances (a few drinks and a late night usually are involved), I'm talking in the natural way of conversation over time. But I shouldn't have to omit 15 years of my life experiences just because whoever I am talking with hasn't ever left their hometown. Hey, I don't care if you've never figuratively left your mother's womb. Tell me about it, it's gotta be interesting because I don't remember my mother's womb.
So why is it that I can't find a man secure enough in himself that the thought of a well-traveled, well-rounded and educated woman doesn't intimidate him? Where are all the real men who don't shrink away from intelligence, who in fact, seek it out? Who don't shrink away from the idea that I was happy with my life before they came along and that I wasn't just pining away to nothing while waiting for them, my knight in shining armor?
And I know I'm not the only one of my kind to experience this. Most of my wonderful, funny, warm, intelligent women friends are single with not a man in sight. True, some of us have chosen not to put any time or effort into searching, but I truly wonder if it's not because every time we have tried, the men we meet shrink away. We're not crazy, or ugly, or socially awkward women. We're just...women. I wonder when men will start realizing that you don't need to need someone; that wanting to be with someone is so much greater than needing to be with them, because it's a choice.
I feel like this is full of bile; a bitterness that is certainly unattractive, but I assure you that as any polite and socially-conscious person knows, I don't usually vent it - certainly not to anyone not close to me. But I'm sick of it. I know I can't be the only one out there who is fed up. And I'm tired of trying to shield parts of myself just to try to make myself more pleasing, passive and plain just to appeal to a man. Ugh.
Labels: rant
Friday, January 02, 2009
i'll eat my candy with the pork and beans
0905 hrs:
Well, good morning, 2009. :)
I'm at work and it feels like only the bad kids have to be at Saturday school. It is very quiet around here. All of the top dogs are out of the office today, so we are left with one "lead" to...well...lead us. Plans for the day? Well, I've already done 1/3 of the work I had planned for today. I'm going to be back chipping away at the Sarbanes-Oxley Act course I started last week. Between doing that and trying not to fall asleep, I should easily make it to lunch time.
BUT - before that, I have some Grocery Titans to announce. I went to the grocery store two times in the last 48 hours. Only the first time did I have a grocery list. I think we all know what it means when you go to the grocery store without a list. *ominous look*
Wednesday, 12/31/08's Grocery Titan title goes to (drum roll, please)...
....the whole bean Breakfast Blend coffee, coming in at $6.99!
Though I swore I was going to switch to half-caf, I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it. Rats!
Thursday, 1/1/09's Grocery Titan title goes to...
....the 30 oz. bag of frozen pork dumplings, coming in at $7.99! *boos from the crowd*
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That last one was the spontaneous grocery trip I made yesterday. Originally, I was just going to the bank branch inside the store (it was open on New Year's Day - how weird!!) because they have a change counter and I wanted to "cash in" my spare change that I'd saved up this past year (a disappointing $23.76 - past years have yielded around $50). Once I was there, I realized that I was hungry and that the store was not busy (people probably assumed the grocery store to be closed on New Year's Day). So, I called Nailz and asked if there was anything she needed and also convinced her that we should make some Japanese food for our New Year's dinner. Ended up buying a can of roasted eel to add to sushi and onigiri (rice balls) as well as some artificial crab to put in sushi.
1243 hrs:
Was reading Penny Arcade's news post from the 31st and clicked on the link to the Zune webpage. As Nailz can testify, most Zune 30 owners received a scare when their Zunes "bricked" on Wednesday. The cause was the leap year because of the clock driver not being able to calculate a leap year or some such technical thing. Anyway - that's not the point. I know that not having music for a day at a boring corporate job or other boring job must really suck to high heavens, but some people leaving comments on the Zune page are pretty unbelievable. An example: "How about compensation for not being able to use our Zune's for the day?"
[insert dramatic pause here]
Um, I'm sorry (actually, I'm not), but could this person be more spoiled? There are people in Africa who have to make do without food for an entire day (or more...) and you're pissed because your Zune isn't working and the solution is to wait until January 1, 2009? Let's get a little perspective here. I am in complete awe that someone would allow themselves to get so completely worked up over this. Yes - you paid money for this piece of technology. Yes - it failed. Yes - it's ok to be miffed or for it to be the worst part of your day (or possibly week if your life is really good). All of that is understandable - but wanting compensation for it not working for 1 (ONE) day out 366?? Yeah. I'm sure Microsoft is gonna get right on that.
/rant
To other Zune owners' credit however, most who commented were just surprised and worried that their Zunes were dead for good. Others took it with a chuckle. One guy asked how he was supposed to deal with his cow-orkers if he didn't have his Zune, adding an "LOL" at the end of his statement.
1431 hrs:
Just re-read the Zune rant. It occurs to me that it might sound elitist or something like that (afterall, the comparison I use IS kind of extreme *chuckles*). At first, the idea that it could be taken that way was a bit offensive. On second thought, I've decided I don't really care. I still think it is silly that people crap their pants when something that is not even close to a need goes out on them. Makes me wonder how people (read: Americans) survived the workplace (much less society) before the advent of personal electronics. What horror! Indeed...
HYPOCRITIC'S PLAYLIST:
from my mp3 player before the battery went dead:
Elephant Kashimashi - album
Assorted NEWS and KAT-TUN favorites
on CD:
The Decemberists most recent singles (true to recent style, they were played over and over)
/snark
0 CoMmEnTs
0905 hrs:
Well, good morning, 2009. :)
I'm at work and it feels like only the bad kids have to be at Saturday school. It is very quiet around here. All of the top dogs are out of the office today, so we are left with one "lead" to...well...lead us. Plans for the day? Well, I've already done 1/3 of the work I had planned for today. I'm going to be back chipping away at the Sarbanes-Oxley Act course I started last week. Between doing that and trying not to fall asleep, I should easily make it to lunch time.
BUT - before that, I have some Grocery Titans to announce. I went to the grocery store two times in the last 48 hours. Only the first time did I have a grocery list. I think we all know what it means when you go to the grocery store without a list. *ominous look*
Wednesday, 12/31/08's Grocery Titan title goes to (drum roll, please)...
....the whole bean Breakfast Blend coffee, coming in at $6.99!
Though I swore I was going to switch to half-caf, I just haven't been able to bring myself to do it. Rats!
Thursday, 1/1/09's Grocery Titan title goes to...
....the 30 oz. bag of frozen pork dumplings, coming in at $7.99! *boos from the crowd*
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That last one was the spontaneous grocery trip I made yesterday. Originally, I was just going to the bank branch inside the store (it was open on New Year's Day - how weird!!) because they have a change counter and I wanted to "cash in" my spare change that I'd saved up this past year (a disappointing $23.76 - past years have yielded around $50). Once I was there, I realized that I was hungry and that the store was not busy (people probably assumed the grocery store to be closed on New Year's Day). So, I called Nailz and asked if there was anything she needed and also convinced her that we should make some Japanese food for our New Year's dinner. Ended up buying a can of roasted eel to add to sushi and onigiri (rice balls) as well as some artificial crab to put in sushi.
1243 hrs:
Was reading Penny Arcade's news post from the 31st and clicked on the link to the Zune webpage. As Nailz can testify, most Zune 30 owners received a scare when their Zunes "bricked" on Wednesday. The cause was the leap year because of the clock driver not being able to calculate a leap year or some such technical thing. Anyway - that's not the point. I know that not having music for a day at a boring corporate job or other boring job must really suck to high heavens, but some people leaving comments on the Zune page are pretty unbelievable. An example: "How about compensation for not being able to use our Zune's for the day?"
[insert dramatic pause here]
Um, I'm sorry (actually, I'm not), but could this person be more spoiled? There are people in Africa who have to make do without food for an entire day (or more...) and you're pissed because your Zune isn't working and the solution is to wait until January 1, 2009? Let's get a little perspective here. I am in complete awe that someone would allow themselves to get so completely worked up over this. Yes - you paid money for this piece of technology. Yes - it failed. Yes - it's ok to be miffed or for it to be the worst part of your day (or possibly week if your life is really good). All of that is understandable - but wanting compensation for it not working for 1 (ONE) day out 366?? Yeah. I'm sure Microsoft is gonna get right on that.
/rant
To other Zune owners' credit however, most who commented were just surprised and worried that their Zunes were dead for good. Others took it with a chuckle. One guy asked how he was supposed to deal with his cow-orkers if he didn't have his Zune, adding an "LOL" at the end of his statement.
1431 hrs:
Just re-read the Zune rant. It occurs to me that it might sound elitist or something like that (afterall, the comparison I use IS kind of extreme *chuckles*). At first, the idea that it could be taken that way was a bit offensive. On second thought, I've decided I don't really care. I still think it is silly that people crap their pants when something that is not even close to a need goes out on them. Makes me wonder how people (read: Americans) survived the workplace (much less society) before the advent of personal electronics. What horror! Indeed...
HYPOCRITIC'S PLAYLIST:
from my mp3 player before the battery went dead:
Elephant Kashimashi - album
Assorted NEWS and KAT-TUN favorites
on CD:
The Decemberists most recent singles (true to recent style, they were played over and over)
/snark
Labels: grocery titans, playlists, rant, snark, work
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
the dude does not abide...
1026 hrs:
More snow came down last night and this morning. I'm telling you, it was FUN times on the drive to work! *bitter chuckle* I really enjoy holding my breath and clenching my steering wheel in both hands and hoping no one follows me too closely and rear ends me. There was a really icy patch on Snelling this morning! I wasn't even braking and my car slid a bit to the right just driving (skating??) over it. It was right at the stop light, so I'm sure there will be an accident there today at some point. I don't think there could be any avoiding it.
The roads stay really crappy during times like these because the temperatures are so low - which makes it so salt doesn't really help drive-ability much or that's what the news people tell us, anyway. I think what the news people are saying about the salt not being able to melt the ice is all bullshit. They say that they put salt down on the roads, but that it is just too cold to work. Most road salts work in temperatures down to -25 degrees Fahrenheit, which it rarely has been below in the last few days. Also, if it's true that the salt is not working on the roads, then how is it that the salt that our apartment management puts on the outside steps and walkways melts the snow and ice? Also, if it is too cold for salt to work, how come the freeways and highways have been salted and are nice to drive on? I think they just say that the salt isn't working so people don't get pissed off that their county/city isn't putting down salt on the county roads. Complete and total bullsh1t - that's what it is. They are just not putting it down because the snow removal and winter road maintenance budgets keep getting cut every year. (Which makes me want to shout, "What am I paying taxes for anyway?!?!) Why not just own up to it?
/end rant
In other news, yesterday was my 60 day quit (smoking) anniversary; so yesterday wasn't completely full of fail. :D I find that I don't really think about smoking too much any more. Only in certain situations does it even cross my mind, and then fleetingly at that. I hope that this is a really good sign. *crosses fingers*
Work has been really busy this week. We are using the end of the year as an excuse to hit our backlog hard and fast. SO - a lot of busy-ness to make the day go by quickly.
1436 hrs:
The day has been flying by. It always helps the day go by when we all eat lunch together. Today was our Christmas potluck. The theme was "appetizers". I brought in spinach dip with cubed italian bread. It went over well and now my boss is swearing by it. Honestly, it was really easy. The recipe is on the back of the vegetable soup mix packet. Super easy and only costs about $6 for all of the ingredients (including the bread). This was what I was making when Nailz and I couldn't stop laughing.
Not much else to report today, though I fell like I am forgetting something. Tonight (if I remember), I will be posting a picture of Murphy with Santa.
Starting on a cup of coffee. This almost never happens in the afternoon. I'm already jazzed on caffeine, but a cuppa just sounds so good right now...
Heading to the parents' tomorrow for the holidays, so blogging will continue on December 29th. Ciao until then!
PLAYLIST:
Alannah Myles - Black Velvet
Angie Aparo - Cry
Audioslave - Be Yourself
Brandi Carlile - The Story
Bree Sharpton - David Duchovny
The Devlins - Waiting
Imogen Heap - Headlock
Lily Allen - Smile
Matchbox 20 - How Far We've Come
Mika - Lollipop
Mika - Love Today
Phantom Planet - California (thanks for getting me hooked on this song, Rudy! )
Plain White Tees - Hey There Delilah
Rainer Maria - Life of Leisure
Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Face Down
Rilo Kiley - Breaking Up
Salt-n-Pepa - Shoop
STARS - Your Ex-Lover Is Dead (Final Fantasy X)
Labels: link blogging, pic, playlists, quitting smoking, rant, snow, work
Saturday, October 20, 2007
nothing was saving our day
Bah! Just watched an episode of Naruto on the tele. I still think the dub is terrible, but I had the sound down, so I didn't have to hear the mispronunciation of Kakashi over and over (thank goodness). The only name they pronouce close to correct is Sasuke. *shakes head* This is the reason I don't watch dubs. I could understand if Japanese names were terribly hard to pronounce, but they are not - especially when you can pick up the names from watching the original series in Japanese. Also, they heavily edit the series and the "directors" for the U.S. version make the voice actors do such stupid voices to make it "kid-focused" it's sick. Why should we dumb down this stuff for American kids? Let's give our kids a little bit of credit, ne?
So yes - now I have to blow my nose. Maybe all this ranting will help to clear my sinuses up a bit - I've been stuffed up lately.
Anywho...On to lighter subjects: I received my shipment of camera goodies last week. I am super excited to take this camera on the road to Japan with me now that I have a good variety of films, a nice, lightweight tripod and an intermediate knowledge of how the camera actually works. I have a lot of film now, but what is strange is that I feel like I probably will have to stock up again before I leave for Japan.
Today I am feeling homesick. It certainly feels like a Saturday today and I wish I was back home, snuggling in bed with my kitty. After getting up, I would clean up the living room and want to go shopping or something. *misses home even more now*
Not much else to report at the moment. I am missing home and I feel a little bit sullen.
2 CoMmEnTs
Bah! Just watched an episode of Naruto on the tele. I still think the dub is terrible, but I had the sound down, so I didn't have to hear the mispronunciation of Kakashi over and over (thank goodness). The only name they pronouce close to correct is Sasuke. *shakes head* This is the reason I don't watch dubs. I could understand if Japanese names were terribly hard to pronounce, but they are not - especially when you can pick up the names from watching the original series in Japanese. Also, they heavily edit the series and the "directors" for the U.S. version make the voice actors do such stupid voices to make it "kid-focused" it's sick. Why should we dumb down this stuff for American kids? Let's give our kids a little bit of credit, ne?
So yes - now I have to blow my nose. Maybe all this ranting will help to clear my sinuses up a bit - I've been stuffed up lately.
Anywho...On to lighter subjects: I received my shipment of camera goodies last week. I am super excited to take this camera on the road to Japan with me now that I have a good variety of films, a nice, lightweight tripod and an intermediate knowledge of how the camera actually works. I have a lot of film now, but what is strange is that I feel like I probably will have to stock up again before I leave for Japan.
Today I am feeling homesick. It certainly feels like a Saturday today and I wish I was back home, snuggling in bed with my kitty. After getting up, I would clean up the living room and want to go shopping or something. *misses home even more now*
Not much else to report at the moment. I am missing home and I feel a little bit sullen.
Labels: meaningless, rant
Sunday, May 27, 2007
my newest mantra...
...is "I hate Apple." I really do. Hate is such a strong word, but I really, really do. I used to feel only slight animosity towards the company, but now, after working with iTunes, I really loathe it. It's a really long rant, so I will spare you all and sum it up by saying that opening an account was absurdly difficult (what do you mean my email address is invalid?? I would know if it was...) and now the songs are in mp4 format and my usual music player is unable to play them, meaning that I have to make a choice between my 20+ gigs of music playable on every music player out there and my iTunes songs which can ONLY be played from iTunes. Grrr.... Makes me long for the napster days.....
So yes, I get a bit peevish every time I think about it - so I try not to think about it - except that I do anyway. Instead, I wish to blog about my very first PC that I loved dearly in college. I still have the PC and it is being used as an end table next to the loveseat (matches perfectly with our other end "table", Nailz's first PC (IBM Aptiva if you're interested) as well). I didn't really think much about it except when I wanted to play Tut's Tomb. (And yes, I do occassionally hook it up to my monitor just to play the old Microsoft games - except the hard drive is starting to fail.) Recently, I ran into this article: The 10 Worst PCs of All Time. Have fun reading the article, but I have to brag(?) that my old PC is number 1 on the list. Here are the stats on my old Packard Bell Multimedia 730:
OS: Windows 98
Processor: MII-266 (what is that anyway??)
Hard Drive: 4.3 GB
Also: 40 MB SyncDRAM, 56 Kbps modem, 24x max CD-ROM (notice it doesn't have write capabilities)
I purchased this PC for about $1000 in the summer of 1998 for my freshman year in college. At the time, I thought it was pretty great. It has never been hooked up to the internet and when I was finally ready to get internet access at home in 2003, when I told the Comcast guy what my computer was, I think I heard him fall off his chair while he laughed. Now I understand why.
0 CoMmEnTs
...is "I hate Apple." I really do. Hate is such a strong word, but I really, really do. I used to feel only slight animosity towards the company, but now, after working with iTunes, I really loathe it. It's a really long rant, so I will spare you all and sum it up by saying that opening an account was absurdly difficult (what do you mean my email address is invalid?? I would know if it was...) and now the songs are in mp4 format and my usual music player is unable to play them, meaning that I have to make a choice between my 20+ gigs of music playable on every music player out there and my iTunes songs which can ONLY be played from iTunes. Grrr.... Makes me long for the napster days.....
So yes, I get a bit peevish every time I think about it - so I try not to think about it - except that I do anyway. Instead, I wish to blog about my very first PC that I loved dearly in college. I still have the PC and it is being used as an end table next to the loveseat (matches perfectly with our other end "table", Nailz's first PC (IBM Aptiva if you're interested) as well). I didn't really think much about it except when I wanted to play Tut's Tomb. (And yes, I do occassionally hook it up to my monitor just to play the old Microsoft games - except the hard drive is starting to fail.) Recently, I ran into this article: The 10 Worst PCs of All Time. Have fun reading the article, but I have to brag(?) that my old PC is number 1 on the list. Here are the stats on my old Packard Bell Multimedia 730:
OS: Windows 98
Processor: MII-266 (what is that anyway??)
Hard Drive: 4.3 GB
Also: 40 MB SyncDRAM, 56 Kbps modem, 24x max CD-ROM (notice it doesn't have write capabilities)
I purchased this PC for about $1000 in the summer of 1998 for my freshman year in college. At the time, I thought it was pretty great. It has never been hooked up to the internet and when I was finally ready to get internet access at home in 2003, when I told the Comcast guy what my computer was, I think I heard him fall off his chair while he laughed. Now I understand why.
Labels: geeking out, rant