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Thursday, November 04, 2010

losing

A thought (that comes after writing a letter to one of my grandmas): I have given nice things to my grandma every time I have traveled abroad. When I went to Kuwait, I sent her a knitted lap blanket made from camel wool. When I visited Japan for the first time, I sent her a warm, quilted happi (house) coat.

Recently, my grandma was moved into a "living center". She had been thinning out her possessions for some time; giving things back to people who had given them to her or giving things to people who had always said they liked something. When she was moved, it came to the point where a rummage sale was held to sell the things she wouldn't be keeping with her at the living center. What didn't sell was taken to Civic Council/Goodwill.

The reason she was moved into a living center is because she had fallen and hit her head at home. Because of the fall, she had some blood in her skull - in between the skull and brain. She had emergency surgery to drain the blood and ease pressure on her brain. As a result, she suffered memory loss and had to be on a few medicines for a while until it looked like everything was back to normal.

In September, a few weeks after my birthday, I received a birthday card from my grandma. On the envelope, my aunt (who has helped care for my grandma because she lives closest) had written that grandma had forgotten to send this to me until now. Inside the card was nothing besides her signature. No letter. No note. Not even my name.

I have written her letters about once every two months since my move to Japan. For the first six months, I received coherent letters from her. A month before the fall up until now - there has been no letter. No reply. I begin to wonder if she remembers who I am. Maybe receiving my letters is like receiving letters from a stranger.

So the thought is this: it upsets me to think that the gifts I found in far away lands and gave to my grandma were sold off at a rummage sale to total strangers for a fraction of what they are actually worth, but not because of their monetary worth, but because, like those gifts, she is no longer present. It feels like the bond we once had has been severed. It begins to feel like she is gone before she is really gone.

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