stop whispering, start shouting
This is not a random ramble, this is a calculated rant that has been composing itself in my head for years. Consider yourself warned.
First, a little background for those who don't know me. I'm a 35-year old woman with a Bachelor's degree who has had a varied and interesting life that includes (among other adventures) almost a decade in the armed forces, working as a cubicle monkey for a big corporation and living in Japan for more than just a couple of years. Now I do a job that is not considered academic by any means, but is skilled labor and unusual (there are only a couple thousand of us in the U.S.). And even though when I was young, I didn't imagine any of this, I also didn't imagine that I would still be single.
When I was younger, I had a friend who guys found irresistible. I always wanted to know her secret. One time, a guy let me in on it - she was interesting; like there was a lot more to her than she let you see.
So I endeavored to let myself be as interesting as I wanted to be and figured love would follow accordingly. It took a while, but I eventually (early 20s) decided that I would live life for me and do whatever it was that caught my attention and not pay attention to relationships in the least. After all, doesn't everyone tell you that love comes in when you aren't looking for it?
Well, I haven't been looking for it for over 10 years now and it hasn't found me. What
I have found, is that I enjoy myself as I am.
I think I'm interesting and I think I am a good person who enjoys engaging with others and hearing their stories. And recently, I would love to share a life with a companion. But still, no luck on the relationships front.
And honestly, I'm really sick of it. Mostly, I'm sick at the realization that there doesn't seem to a man out there that is not intimidated as fuck by me. Everything goes okay until they learn what I've been doing the last 15 years or so and then it's sayonara sucker. As if I share those things like an Ace hidden in the hole; a trump card to put them down under me. This is the impression I get because no man has had the balls to say much after they ask me what I did before this. Listen, men, I'm sorry if I have lived an independent, relationship-free life and enjoyed it, but if you don't have the balls or spine enough to not feel intimidated by that then I don't feel bad calling you a baby.
In fact, I only tell people about my past when asked or if it is very relevant. I don't go around starting every sentence with "When I lived in Japan..." or anything. Most people I work with or have met me in the last year don't even know what I did before my current occupation. Mainly, I don't share it because people get weird - as if my sharing is designed to make them feel small for not having done the same things as I have. THAT IS NOT THE FUCKING POINT. The point is that the only way to get to know people is through sharing. I'm not talking about sitting down and spilling your life story, though that could happen under the right circumstances (a few drinks and a late night usually are involved), I'm talking in the natural way of conversation over time. But I shouldn't have to omit 15 years of my life experiences just because whoever I am talking with hasn't ever left their hometown. Hey, I don't care if you've never figuratively left your mother's womb. Tell me about it, it's gotta be interesting because I don't remember my mother's womb.
So why is it that I can't find a man secure enough in himself that the thought of a well-traveled, well-rounded and educated woman doesn't intimidate him? Where are all the real men who don't shrink away from intelligence, who in fact, seek it out? Who don't shrink away from the idea that I was happy with my life before they came along and that I wasn't just pining away to nothing while waiting for them, my knight in shining armor?
And I know I'm not the only one of my kind to experience this. Most of my wonderful, funny, warm, intelligent women friends are single with not a man in sight. True, some of us have chosen not to put any time or effort into searching, but I truly wonder if it's not because every time we have tried, the men we meet shrink away. We're not crazy, or ugly, or socially awkward women. We're just...women. I wonder when men will start realizing that you don't need to need someone; that wanting to be with someone is so much greater than needing to be with them, because it's a choice.
I feel like this is full of bile; a bitterness that is certainly unattractive, but I assure you that as any polite and socially-conscious person knows, I don't usually vent it - certainly not to anyone not close to me. But I'm sick of it. I know I can't be the only one out there who is fed up. And I'm tired of trying to shield parts of myself just to try to make myself more pleasing, passive and plain just to appeal to a man. Ugh.
Labels: rant