you know it happens every timeI am in the midst of a storm of self-doubt. As per usual, whenever I get a crush on someone, at first I find it really fun and entertaining. But as soon as I start thinking that maybe something could actually happen between me and the other person, I start shaming myself into a corner for being so presumptuous as to think someone would find me attractive and worth their time. Here in Japan, I also pile on the "he wouldn't want to date a foreigner" and (because I am 31 now and the clock is going TICK TOCK) "he wouldn't want to bring shame upon his family and marry a foreigner". The end result is that I completely shrink away from any guy who I get a crush on with some really low self-esteem from bashing myself over the head with self-insult.
I once dated a guy back in the cities who I dared admit this kind of thinking to. He told me it was really fucked up that I set myself up for failure every time. I agreed. But I still do it. Why? Because the last time I let myself believe that someone could love me and want me, I got hurt. Always being prepared for failure has kept me from getting hurt. For 8 years. But it has also stopped me from developing any kind of meaningful relationship with a man.
I've developed a crush on a man I see about once a week. I know his last name. And I know he has no children. He has an older brother that just got married. I don't even know if he has a girlfriend, but...I kind of don't want to find out because if he doesn't have a girlfriend, I'll end up shaming myself into a corner every time I feel a little bit of hope, until I feel like the most unworthy person on earth. Right now, I can just tell myself that he probably has a girlfriend and so therefore I don't have to think about it. That's really the safest option - to assume he has a girlfriend, so me having a crush on him has no where to go.
But he is so beautiful to look at...
Labels: boy stuff, emo, in tribute to nanowrimo, life, love life, woe is me