I never said I wasn't crazy.

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Location: Midwest, United States

We're all mad here.


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Book Kitten

People I Don't Know - But Like Anyway

Unemployed? See OddTodd

The Edge

The Onion

Morbid Curiousity

Cosmic Log - What's Happening in Space

Karadin @ LJ

The Unrepentant Marxist

Purple Squirrel

We're Only Human

Ask Dr. Eldritch

Other Stuff

Nailz and I's Infamous Picture

this is funny and you should watch it

my artsy-fartsy photos

Sunday, October 04, 2015

the mountains win again

September 16, 2015 ()
Q: What would you want to study at school?
A: Sociology maybe. Then I could rule the world. Mwahahaha!

September 17, 2015 ()
Q: What's your favorite snack food?
A: Today - Oreos. Usually anything chocolate, but I love sweet and salty together.

September 18, 2015 ()
Q: A decision you made today ___________.
A: That I definitely want a different job...

September 19, 2015 ()
Q: What's a new place you've recently been to?
A: A new restaurant in town. I got their grab 'n' go cheap lunch special. It was delicious!

September 20, 2015 ()
Q: What's your favorite television show?
A: Ooh. Lots, but my favorite show was canceled after its first season - Forever. It had the right amount of everything: tension, romance, humor, drama.

September 21, 2015 ()
Q: Where do you think your road is going?
A: Hopefully out of this job. Notice I didn't say career. I just mean this particular job.

September 22, 2015 ()
Q: What shocking news  have you recently learned?
A: A murder suicide in Platte. A man (of course) shot his wife, four children, himself and burned down his house. Turns out he was just about to get into legal trouble.

September 23, 2015 ()
Q: Write down a quote for today.
A: "I make my plans at night; I don't sleep, I don't sleep 'til it's light."

September 24, 2015 ()
Q: When was the last time you went dancing?
A: "Went dancing"? A long time ago, but I dance in my room a lot...

September 25, 2015 ()
Q: Do you plan, or are you flying by the seat of your pants?
A: Right now, I'm trying to plan while flying blind. I wonder what next year's answer will be...

September 26, 2015 ()
Q: Today was amusing because ______________.
A: I went to a parade. I haven't been to a parade in a long time.

September 27, 2015 ()
Q: Do you handle rejection well?
A: Not really, but it forces me to keep my options open.

September 28, 2015 ()
Q: How hungry are you right now?
A: Pretty darn. Wish I could have something sweet.

September 29, 2015 ()
Q: Bad news: sugarcoated or straight-up?
A: Depends on the news. Some things are best revealed straight and unyielding.

September 30, 2015 ()
Q: How do you get out of a rut?
A: Nap and nap again. It's life's little reset button.



Thursday, October 01, 2015

it's taken me all this time, all this time

September 1, 2015 (火)
Q: Teacher or student?
A: Neither right now. Thank goodness...

September 2, 2015 (水)
Q: Is your home/apartment clean?
A: My room is. There isn't much storage space so...

September 3, 2015 (木)
Q: Where have you found evidence of a higher power?
A: There is no evidence. Sometimes recognizable coincidences make me superstitious though.

September 4, 2015 (金)
Q: Where do you see yourself in five years?
A: Not here, in this house, at least. I'm not sure. I hope I am making significantly more money in five years.

September 5, 2015 (土)
Q: Today you learned _________ .
A: That working until 4pm on a Saturday is not so bad.

September 6, 2015 (日)
Q: What was the last online video clip you watched?
A: It was a clip on facebook that George Takei posted. Something about women's rights.

September 7, 2015 (月)
Q: What's the newest thing you're wearing today?
A: Technically, it's my jeans. They're new to me because I bought them used at Goodwill a couple of weeks ago.

September 8, 2015 (火)
Q: Who are you jealous of?
A: Anyone with a salary that doesn't make them scrimp and scrape just to get by.

September 9, 2015 (水)
Q: What comes to mind when you think of fear?
A: Stagnation. Staying in one place too long.

September 10, 2015 (木)
Q: This is utterly confounding ____________.
A: Everything if thought about in minute detail.

September 11, 2015 (金)
Q: What advice would you give to a second-grader?
A: Be considerate, if not kind. Thinking of other people makes you a better person.

September 12, 2015 (土)
Q: What are you chasing at this moment?
A: An idea of happiness and satisfaction.

September 13, 2015 (日)
Q: Write down a minor, but chronic problem.
A: Over-planning/committing on weekends - makes the weekend tiring rather than enjoyable.

September 14, 2015 (月)
Q: Who can help you?
A: Everyone can, but I don't want help. I like having to try to help myself. If my circumstances were not good - I would probably take help, though.

September 15, 2015 (火)
Q: Who are the most important people in your life?
A: There are too many to list. For a single person, I feel lucky about that.

Random Ramble:
I was thinking today about ridiculous things. Weird things that I wonder if anyone else wonders about. And they come and go so quickly that I lose track of them and forget them.

Lately, I have the future on my mind a lot. I know that most people's lives are spent thinking about the future in one way or another. I feel like I have had to think about and redefine my goals and wants a lot in the past 4 years or so. Another change in what I envision my future to be has arrived with full-force and has been consuming most of my head space. I'm poking and prodding it and trying to look at it from every angle that I can. I do this to most big future plans - most of the time it helps me make a decision, but this time it feels too much like a dream - as if it isn't near enough to reality. And like most of my future plans, I am the only one in it. I can't bring myself to see a future where someone else shares my life. Do I lack foresight, or would I really be happiest centering my life around me and only me?

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Tuesday, September 29, 2015

you know our hearts beat time out very slowly

August 16, 2015 (日)
Q: What question (or questions) do you love to answer?
A: What do you do on the weekends? Because then I can gush about the Humane Society animals.

August 17, 2015 (月)
Q: If you had to spend five yeas in prison, what would you finally have the chance to do?
A: Catch up on all the TV I could possible want to watch. In order to not feel like a bum, I'd use a treadmill or elliptical during some of it.

August 18, 2015 (火)
Q: What's your favorite piece of clothing?
A: Hm...Hard to say. Maybe my PJs simply because putting them on means I am close to bedtime.

August 19, 2015 (水)
Q: __________ really bothered you today.
A: A lot: my supervisor's incessant chatter; the noisy machinery; the dusty, smelly environment and my own anxious thoughts...

August 20, 2015 (木)
Q: Whose team are you on?
A: Hopefully my own and hopefully with lots of friends.

August 21, 2015 (金)
Q: In 140 characters of fewer, summarize your day.
A: Breakfast of waffles, pointless job interview and barely helping with wedding stuff. Late night with cousin.

August 22, 2015 (土)
Q: What can't you forget?
A: So much today, but I managed it. Sister's wedding day!

August 23, 2015 (日)
Q: Yes or no: everyone should have a backup plan.
A: Always. You can't count on everything going to plan.

August 24, 2015 (月)
Q: Write your recipe for creativity:
A: Caffeine and lots of free time.

August 25, 2015 (火)
Q: What would you like to tell your father?
A: That he's been good father and excellent role model.

August 26, 2015 (水)
Q: What's the best part about your life right now?
A: Um. <_ nbsp="">_> I don't know. Everything is good, but not one thing stands out as great.

August 27, 2015 (木)
Q: When was the last time you worked out?
A: Well, I don't truly "work out" anymore. I ride my bike to work and walk at lunch time. I run with the dogs on the weekends. I'm just trying to stay "active".

August 28, 2015 (金)
Q: How would you describe your victory dance?
A: Hardly every used. ... Haha?

August 29, 2015 (土)
Q: What did you have for dinner?
A: Well over-done shoe leather (Grandma's steak), feed corn on the cob (shriveled & old, barely edible) and a baked potato. And it's my birthday dinner. Welcome to 36? This after working mandatory overtime. *sigh*

August 30, 2015 (日)
Q: What's your simplest pleasure?
A: Being alone. Completely alone, preferably in my own home...both of which I don't actually have or get.

August 31, 2015 (月)
Q: What was the last wedding you attended?
A: My sister's. Last weekend. It was awesome!



Sunday, September 13, 2015

they say that home is where the heart is, i guess i haven't found my home

August 1, 2015 (土)
Q: Do you need a cold shower?
A: No. It's hot, but not humid.

August 2, 2015 (日)
Q: Describe the room you're in right now.
A: My room at my grandma's house. Most of the stuff in here is not mine. Some day, I want to live in my own place.

August 3, 2015 (月)
Q: What do you lie about?
A: Um. Sometimes I exaggerate, which is kind of a form of lieing.

August 4, 2015 (火)
Q: When was the last time you were on an airplane?
A: About three years ago on my way from Japan to here.

August 5, 2015 (水)
Q: Today you destroyed ______________.
A: Ah....my checking account balance. Obliterated might be a better word.

August 6, 2015 (木)
Q: Who are you?
A: Someone who is still looking for myself. Re: "Everything Changes" by Eytan and the Embassy.

August 7, 2015 (金)
Q: What was your last great meal?
A: Can't really remember. I have a lot of good meals. Great meals? Much more rare.

August 8, 2015 (土)
Q: Do you make enough money?
A: Not yet. Hopefully soon.

August 9, 2015 (日)
Q: Write down your last sent text message.
A: "Thanks. I bet you miss Hershey."

August 10, 2015(月)
Q: What are you running from at this moment?
A: Disappointment. It is the one feeling that I try the hardest not to feel from other people.

August 11, 2015 (火)
Q: How many stamps are in your passport?
A: None. They don't stamp anymore. Isn't that sad??

August 12, 2015 (水)
Q: What is your resolution for tomorrow?
A: To get stuff done, so I can prove I'm ready to move to commission pay.

August 13, 2015 (木)
Q: What is your favorite thing to do on a Saturday morning?
A: Ah...sleep in until 8:30 or so and then get up and at 'em.

August 14, 2015 (金)
Q: Did you complete your to-do list for the day?
A: I didn't have much of one, so yeah. *high fives self*

August 15, 2015 (土)
Q: What do you like best about your body today?
A: That it works as far as I know and think.



Tuesday, September 08, 2015

shove me in the shallow waters, before i get too deep

July 16, 2015 ()
Q: Are you wearing socks?
A: No. Because I never sleep with socks on unless it is very cold.

July 17, 2015 ()
Q: How can you help?
A: By being mindful. It is not all about me.

July 18, 2015 ()
Q: What are the ingredients for a perfect day?
A: No obligations and no work. A short drive and photos. Maybe with a good friend.

July 19, 2015 ()
Q: What do you need to throw away?
A: A lot of food stuff in Grandma's cupboards, but I have to be sneaky about it.

July 20, 2015 ()
Q: Does anything hurt today?
A: My left boob. It always seems to hurt.

July 21, 2015 ()
Q: Who was the last person to make you angry?
A: Angry, huh? I don't get angry often. I get annoyed easily some days and anyone who has talked to me lately would know who it is that annoys me the most frequently.

July 22, 2015 ()
Q: Where do you go for good ideas?
A: Outside. Fresh air helps - along with walking and stretching.

July 23, 2015 ()
Q: What was the last thing you baked or cooked?
A: Um. Banana bread? Oh! I grilled brats this past Sunday. *feels proud*

July 24, 2015 ()
Q: What's in your fridge?
A: Barely anything that is mine. My grandma has it jam packed.

July 25, 2015 ()
Q: If you could hire any artist (living or dead) to paint your portrait, who would you pick?
A: Picasso because right now I am a jumbled (and sometimes) angry mess.

July 26, 2015 ()
Q: Are you working hard or hardly working?
A: Working hard, if 60 hours this week is any indication.

July 27, 2015 ()
Q: What can you smell right now?
A: Ew. My own stinky fart. But that is the glory of being single! No reason to be embarrassed.

July 28, 2015 ()
Q: Write a phrase to describe your year so far.
A: Slowly gaining momentum and now full speed ahead.

July 29, 2015 ()
Q: What was the last road trip you took?
A: Hm. I'm always by myself. Does that count? And does it have to be to somewhere you've never been to? If those two qualifications come into play, it would probably be sometime in 2013.

July 30, 2015 ()
Q: Today was unusual because ______________.
A: I decided to stop working on my document work before 10pm.

July 31, 2015 ()
Q: Today were you a wallflower or social butterfly?
A: Um. Wallflower? I didn't go out and do anything so... :/

Random Ramble:
I've been working full-time at my new job since the end of May. Things are going alright. There were some growing pains, but those are mostly past now. There's just one hitch: I didn't think that $10/hour was too bad to start out at, but it turns out that it is really hard to live on just $10/hour working a normal work week of 40 hours. So I've kept my part-time, work from home job that also pays $10/hour. Besides working over 40 hours a week at my full-time job, I sometimes work up to 20 hours a week for my part-time job. Even 60 hours a week at $10/hour is barely scraping by.

For the first time in my life I truly understand that hard work and long hours do not equal a decent living. If it were not for the blessing of being able to live rent-free at my grandmother's, I would not be able to afford to pay both my student loans and rent. Even so, I am barely in the black every month. How does a person at this wage put anything towards savings?

Further, I live a very work and home-bound life. I rarely eat out. I take a large salad to work every Monday to eat for the entire week's lunches. I cook and eat at home when I'm not at work. I don't spend money on junk food and sweets. I don't drink. I only drive to work on stormy days, and anyway - the drive is less than a mile, so I don't spend money on gas. I have a smart phone, but I have the lowest and cheapest data package available. I track literally every penny that I spend.

It seems that the only big expense that is of my own doing, is my large, monthly student loan payment. I will be paying off my bachelor's degree until I am in my 50s.

So there it is in mostly a nutshell. Something that is talked about a lot these days - the overloading of student loan debt and the inadequate minimum wage. I don't have the long answer to these, but I think it should be pretty obvious that higher education should not be so expensive and should not be all but required in order to obtain a low-paying job. Workers need to be paid a fair wage for their labor and should be able to save at least a little for retirement and for emergencies. Buying a place to live or rent at a decent price, should not be a faraway dream that only people in high paying salaried positions can achieve.

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Tuesday, July 28, 2015

stop whispering, start shouting

This is not a random ramble, this is a calculated rant that has been composing itself in my head for years. Consider yourself warned.

First, a little background for those who don't know me. I'm a 35-year old woman with a Bachelor's degree who has had a varied and interesting life that includes (among other adventures) almost a decade in the armed forces, working as a cubicle monkey for a big corporation and living in Japan for more than just a couple of years. Now I do a job that is not considered academic by any means, but is skilled labor and unusual (there are only a couple thousand of us in the U.S.). And even though when I was young, I didn't imagine any of this, I also didn't imagine that I would still be single.

When I was younger, I had a friend who guys found irresistible. I always wanted to know her secret. One time, a guy let me in on it - she was interesting; like there was a lot more to her than she let you see.

So I endeavored to let myself be as interesting as I wanted to be and figured love would follow accordingly. It took a while, but I eventually (early 20s) decided that I would live life for me and do whatever it was that caught my attention and not pay attention to relationships in the least. After all, doesn't everyone tell you that love comes in when you aren't looking for it?

Well, I haven't been looking for it for over 10 years now and it hasn't found me. What I have found, is that I enjoy myself as I am. I think I'm interesting and I think I am a good person who enjoys engaging with others and hearing their stories. And recently, I would love to share a life with a companion. But still, no luck on the relationships front.

And honestly, I'm really sick of it. Mostly, I'm sick at the realization that there doesn't seem to a man out there that is not intimidated as fuck by me. Everything goes okay until they learn what I've been doing the last 15 years or so and then it's sayonara sucker. As if I share those things like an Ace hidden in the hole; a trump card to put them down under me. This is the impression I get because no man has had the balls to say much after they ask me what I did before this. Listen, men, I'm sorry if I have lived an independent, relationship-free life and enjoyed it, but if you don't have the balls or spine enough to not feel intimidated by that then I don't feel bad calling you a baby.

In fact, I only tell people about my past when asked or if it is very relevant. I don't go around starting every sentence with "When I lived in Japan..." or anything. Most people I work with or have met me in the last year don't even know what I did before my current occupation. Mainly, I don't share it because people get weird - as if my sharing is designed to make them feel small for not having done the same things as I have. THAT IS NOT THE FUCKING POINT. The point is that the only way to get to know people is through sharing. I'm not talking about sitting down and spilling your life story, though that could happen under the right circumstances (a few drinks and a late night usually are involved), I'm talking in the natural way of conversation over time. But I shouldn't have to omit 15 years of my life experiences just because whoever I am talking with hasn't ever left their hometown. Hey, I don't care if you've never figuratively left your mother's womb. Tell me about it, it's gotta be interesting because I don't remember my mother's womb.

So why is it that I can't find a man secure enough in himself that the thought of a well-traveled, well-rounded and educated woman doesn't intimidate him? Where are all the real men who don't shrink away from intelligence, who in fact, seek it out? Who don't shrink away from the idea that I was happy with my life before they came along and that I wasn't just pining away to nothing while waiting for them, my knight in shining armor?

And I know I'm not the only one of my kind to experience this. Most of my wonderful, funny, warm, intelligent women friends are single with not a man in sight. True, some of us have chosen not to put any time or effort into searching, but I truly wonder if it's not because every time we have tried, the men we meet shrink away. We're not crazy, or ugly, or socially awkward women. We're just...women. I wonder when men will start realizing that you don't need to need someone; that wanting to be with someone is so much greater than needing to be with them, because it's a choice.

I feel like this is full of bile; a bitterness that is certainly unattractive, but I assure you that as any polite and socially-conscious person knows, I don't usually vent it - certainly not to anyone not close to me. But I'm sick of it. I know I can't be the only one out there who is fed up. And I'm tired of trying to shield parts of myself just to try to make myself more pleasing, passive and plain just to appeal to a man. Ugh.



Sunday, July 19, 2015

like an angry apple tree, i throw my apples if you get too close to me

July 1, 2015 (水)
Q: Water, ice or steam?
A: Ice would be cool about now. It's been steamy here.

July 2, 2015 (木)
Q: Today you cancelled _________.
A: My evening departure for Mom and Dad's. I will leave in the morning.

July 3, 2015 (金)
Q: What was the last beach you went to?
A: Hm. Hrm. Probably last year near Lake Minnetonka.

July 4, 2015 (土)
Q: ___________ is funny.
A: Home movies from 30 years ago.

July 5, 2015 (日)
Q: What is your motto?
A: Right now it would be something about work. Perhaps "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy".

July 6, 2015 (月)
Q: Who is your best friend?
A: Myself. My better self, hopefully.

July 7, 2015 (火)
Q: What's the next book you want to read?
A: Ooh. The Bully Pulpit. It's HUGE, but looks good.

July 8, 2015 (水)
Q: What do you have to lose?
A: Much, but some things are worth the risk - I just haven't discovered what yet - ha!

July 9, 2015 (木)
Q: Today was delightful because _________.
A: I had a nice walk home from work and a nice encounter with a dog named Duke and his owner.

July 10, 2015 (金)
Q: When was the last time you spoke to your parents?
A: Sometime this week, I think. I've been too busy...

July 11, 2015 (土)
Q: If you were a literary character, who would you be?
A: Oooh. If only I could be Elizabeth Bennett and hook a Mr. Darcy of my own!

July 12, 2015 (日)
Q: _________ is perfect.
A: Air conditioning. Ah....it was so hot today...

July 13, 2015 (月)
Q: What are you sentimental about?
A: Probably too much. I've come to the conclusion that no one cares about those things except yourself, so might as well indulge yourself.

July 14, 2015 (火)
Q: Do you have a secret? More than one?
A: They're not necessarily secrets - they are just things that never get said.

July 15, 2015 (水)
Q: What is your heroic downfall? Your Achilles' heel?
A: Getting my hopes up. It never fails to trip me up.

Random Ramble:
Sometimes when I do a lot on the computer, I try to paint my nails. I do this because typing and mousing don't harm the nail polish while it dries and if I am doing a lot on the computer, it means that I will be there long enough for all coats to dry thoroughly before I do anything else.

Before I started my nails this morning, I briefly thought that it would be terrible if I spilled polish on my pants or the table cloth, but I proceeded anyway. Well, wouldn't you know? Yeah. I used acetone to get the polish out of the pants and then quickly put them under running water, so hopefully there won't be any color or fabric damage to the pants as they are some of my favorites. Now I'm wearing gym shorts and being plenty more careful with the polish. ... Some days. XD 

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